CHANGE!

C.H.A.N.G.E.

We don’t like it, we fear it…but we cant stop it from coming, we either adapt to change or we get left behind.
And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying.
But here’s the truth, the more things change the more they stay the same.
And sometimes, oh sometimes change is good.
Sometimes change is everything.

- Meredith Gray

My life has definitely changed since I left for college. I have lost friends, gained friends, and created new relationships. Coming into the first semester of college, I had left the valley a changed person - optimistic, confident, and ready to take on the world. When I got to school I found myself the same minus the whole confident thing, but I eventually learned. I found people who accepted me, people who just wanted to be my friend, people who were just so nice in every way. It was weird, seeing how the entire school was nice, I thought something was wrong with them. How could someone be so happy and excited to see me all the time. I didn't get it, but now I do. This semester was rough, the whole adapting to college life semester. Now for me, college level work wasn't anything new for me because of IB, but it was the changes in friendships I would experience, the changes in my routine, that was it, there was NO routine anymore. It wasn't wake up, go to school, homework, do it the next day all over again until the weekend where you got to be free and have fun anymore. I get to go to class at random times, and hang out with people allll day, and live with them for that matter, and just always be doing something. This is when I realized I had to learn to balance, in fact I am still learning to balance, next semester is going to be more balancing. I want to pull of a 4.0 and I want to have fun, but I also want to be able to keep in touch with friends from home.

This semester I was probably a disappointment to someone whether or not they'd like to say they thought it. I probably let them down, or to them they felt like they were let down. It sucks seeing how different we are with each other now, and I hate it. I hate that I have to be distinguished as LITTLE and not just little. I don't like knowing there is someone else that gets to call her Big and it's "official". Yea I am jealous, I am not afraid to say it. She used to hate this change too, but I am glad she is finally accepting it. See that's the thing, I just gotta accept it. She has to get used to the fact that I am growing up, and I have to get used to the fact that there is someone else closer to her that needs her too, but I will forever be the one that helped her fulfill one of her goals, and no one can take that away from me.

Change, it always scary for me, I didn't like it. No one likes change though, I mean once you get used to something it normally always changes, and that's what SUCKS about it the most. You know what though, if it wasn't for change where would everyone be? Change creates new obstacles for us to tackle, it creates drive for us to succeed, it creates new goals for us to reach, and it most importantly creates the person we are. Like Meredith Gray states, CHANGE IS EVERYTHING.

And it's been a while...

Since I last saw your face

Isn't it scary how you never expect to lose the friends you do and have such little faith in the ones that no matter what are never going to go away? I find myself getting angry at the fact that I considered my best friend to be the first person to stop talking to me and forgetting about when, wow, she is the only person I can turn to that understands my hectic life, that is okay with us not talking every day like we used to non stop, that just accepts that we are in different positions and just learning to adjust our friendship to that situation. In fact, this very girl, came to my school on a whim, just to give me a hug because, "she could sense I needed one". And she could not have come at a more perfect time!

My life hasn't been the most understanding lately. I have been so confused on every aspect of it from where I want to take my life after college to friends, and to accepting the way things are. The last thing on my mind lately is school and that is not good at all. I am so caught up in coping with the fact that the one person who was a major part of my high school life is no longer in my life for the stupidest reason. Lauren, how on earth did things get this way? Yea I can say I don't think about her on most days in my life, but on the days I do, she is all I can think about. I become extremely upset and just wonder how I let things get this way. Is it my fault for getting close to someone who asked me to be around them. Wanted me around them. Believe me I didn't invite myself to Irvine, I was always begged to go visit. I was never though, begged to hang out with her. She was caught up in her love life, and I was caught up in dealing with college. She wasn't around but Elysia was. I can't sit here and say Elysia is the reason that we are no longer friends, but jealousy did take control and I never saw that one coming. Maybe her bringing up the smallest things was her way of trying to let go of me before college easier, her way of coping with the situation? Who knows. All I know is, I miss her. I am tired of saying sorry, no one has said sorry. We talk, and when we do, she acts like nothing ever happened, but me, I can't do that. Thanksgiving break is coming up, we will see what happens. This is something that has been plaguing me with pain the last month of school and I just can't take it anymore.

On a brighter note, I am glad Elysia sees that I am growing up. It sucks, I know she doesn't like it, but guess what I DON'T EITHER!!! Growing up is my biggest fear in life, I feel like I don't know what I am doign with my life and that I am going to screw it up. In fact, Beth that lovely peer adviser of mine, yelled at me to stop thinking about my life lol. I know what I want do in life after college but what major do I want out of it, is this double major too hard. It sucks having a room mate tell me that I shouldn't be a Poli Sci major and be a comm major because it's easy. Hi, I am Ashley and knowing I would not be great at IB I did it anyway. I find that a challenge is the only real way to learn in life. I just hate not having support at this "home". It sucks. I wish people would stop thinking I am insane for double majoring in two of the most time consuming majors available at school, but it's something I am passionate about nd just want to be supported. ANywho that didn't really relate to Elyisa, but even though we aren't talking twenty four seven like normal, for some reason I feel more connected to her now than ever before. I think I know why too. Everything she has taught me I put into use every day whether it be sharing what I learned from her with other people are putting it to practice in my dailty life. It is really weird giving people advice because it always encompasses what I was told. I feel like I am such a great person today because of her. She has definitely changed my life, and because of her, I was able to grow up into the person I am now, and because of her, so many people have found that amazing Ashley that she sees in me too. I am not used to people loving me so much, it's weird people telling me I am awesome after fifteen minutes of conversation with me. I love that Elysia helped me become that much more positive and looking out for her happiness girl that everyone else here seems to love. So in light of the holiday spirit, I want to give thanks to God for bringing her into my life.

Elysia.

i miss your hugs.
i miss your talks.
i miss OUR drives.
i miss it all.
but most importantly ...
i miss YOU.

I'm sorry that things have been so difficult lately, this was the last thing I wanted to happen. We had the best conversation tonight in a long time and I enjoyed every minute of it. I felt like your little once again. I hadn't felt like that in a long time. I felt like you allowed me to learn to be by myself, but tonight for once I felt like I was under your big sister shield and it felt just like it always was/is. When you said things wouldn't be the same I thought you were lying, you are right they aren't the same, because as we both know we both are busy girls who are trying to do things right in these important four years to get us to where we want to be. You are not a temporary friend, a seasonal friend, or one that was here for a reason, because if that was the case, you would have been gone a long time ago. Please, please don't ever think that again. You are definitely not replaceable either. There is this girl named Jeannie, from ASCLU-G, she is amazing, and also your age, she refers to me as her freshmen, yea I let her, but it doesn't mean I am completely for it. I don't like it to be quite honest, she can't take your spot, you are too amazing and have done so much for me that being referred to someone else as "their" something, no way jose it aint going to happen. Why? Because I am YOUR LITTLE... I don't care if that sorority little of yours is a little too but I'm better...just like that one asian girl that had your name, "she's cute...i'm cuter", that's how I feel about your sorority little :). In the nicest way of course. Big, I hate how things have gone down so far, I feel like it's my fault, I am pretty sure it is. I hate that I don't go to UCI, but at the same time I love that I am not in Chicago, I mean after the other conversation we had I about down right wished I was in Chicago since I was losing friends left and right and apparently I should have just gone, but you taught me it is so much more than that. As I sit here thinking about my life and where I want to go, and you think that I am not going to transfer, you know me better than anyone else, better than my own mother, which is scary. Oh how I'd love to be at UCI right now, oh how I'd love all of it, but there is a reason I am here right? There is a reason we have never gone to school together, and have always been friends since we started talking, never being able to see each other every day, or be at the same school. It would have never happened had God planed it otherwise. God wants you in my life, wanna know why. I was more lost than you thought, I was lost in all aspects of life, family, friends, love, and even spiritually. I started wanting to go to church more and started talking about God more because of you. Everything you ever believed in had something to do with God. It made me believe once again that if I put everything in his hands it will be okay. So you know what, I put our friendship in his hands, and I know it will be okay, because he knows, that I NEED YOU. We talked about friends we can do without, I've let go of them, I have three friends I can whole heartedly depend on, and you are one of them. If you ever walked out of my life I don't know what would happen. I don't know how I would react. Remember your favorite word: faith. Have faith in my Elysia, have faith that even if I don't talk to you, it doesn't mean I wasn't thinking about you. Have faith that I won't let the friendship die, you know I hate letting go of friends. You I have a hard time calling my friend. People ask me who you are and I wanna say you are my sister/friend/mentor/big/Elysia, but they won't get it. Just have faith that I have faith in you, and if we have faith in each other, and put everything in God's hands, I think...actually I know, we will be just fine.
-Little.

P.S

Did you ever know that you're my hero,
everything that I would like to be?
and I can fly higher than an eagle
you are the wind beneath my wings

trust. i need you.

love you.

College Confusion

Well, as I am about to venture off into my third week of college it's time for me to settle out some things thus far. So college is pretty much awesome, I am having a great time but I wish I could have my friends here with me. I think that is what bugs me almost every day. As I try to enjoy the school the same things still bother me. It's too small, and I don't feel like I am in college, I feel like I am in high school just I live on campus. Most people here come from a small school and I don't so it's hard to get used to this. I am getting involved so far. Running for ASCLU is probably my favorite thing to do so far, now I just pray that I actually win. I really hope I win because I love doing this stuff. After experiencing the Club Lu activities so far like the back to school dance and Chuck E Cheese last night I realized I want to make this stuff happen too. So I am currently running for Programs Board. Wish me luck! As for clubs, I am signed up for Model UN, Nomads [we sleep around...campus] i am just in that for the shirt i think, and some other cool ones but I am dropping some like the lap swim club and the laso club. lol. So far I have met some amazing people. I love my Peer Advisor! She is so awesome that her language is rubbing off on me, and she is from Texas. haha. So if you ever hear me say "awkward", "sad day", or "sad" a lot...it's her fault. Food sucks here in the caf but the Centrum effing rocks. Now here comes the hard part. I am here to stay focused and transfer right? I realized that is going to be really hard. Not because of the relationships I am building but because I will be switching to something much different. Here, we are given all the help we need. I have 4 people I can go to if I need something, those are my mentors. Class size is smaller than high school and it's just small. I feel I won't be able to go to a bigger school if I transfer because I will fail because I am not used to that type of environment. I am going to try and love it here but so far those transfer applications will be happening, and hopefully they wont be necessary but we will see. Idk. i am just really confused lately. As for my rooming situation, I guess you can say that is part of the reason for my unhappiness. I don't have a bond with them at all. I can't stand the way our dorm looks right now, for those of you that know me you will understand what's wrong with this picture when I say, "I am the cleanest person" lol. well actually just me and my room mate the other girl is extremely messy and I can't stand it because I keep up with cleaning everything...I TAKE OUT THE TRASH, I CLEAN, I DO THINGS I NEVER DO. lol. but anyways...I miss my friends a lot. I really hope Elysia does come to visit but I know she is busy so I don't expect her to go out of her way. Best friend is in college now and it scares me cuz idk where things will go from now.
As for the positives, the RA I hang out with is simply amazing. Rebecca is so awesome I love spending time with her. We have lots of bonding time together :) She went with me to get my campaign stuff and yea she is pretty much awesome. Jessica S is awesome too she is my campaign manager right now and yea everyone says we act like we have known each other for years, I guess that's a compliment. 111 girls, omg, these girls are just awesome I always have a good time with them, especially last night...drunken times oh my. Christine is freakin awesome we hung out tody and went to church she knows EVERYONE its creepy. Well that's college so far.
-Ashley

See you later...

I am the friend that cares too much.
I am the friend that will try to make it work.
I am the friend that will check up on you.
I am the friend that says I will be here when you need me and mean it.
I am the friend that doesn't give up on people after they make mistakes.
I am the friend that understands.
I am the friend that listens.
I am the friend that gives advice when asked for it.
I am the friend that bends over backwards.
I am the friend that will be your safety net when the other ones break.
I am the friend that tries to please everyone.
I am the friend that sacrifices my happiness for others happiness.
I am the friend that no one understands.


I'm the one who says "See you later" and not "Good bye."

and...

I'm the one that get hurts in the end because....
[repeat list]

-Ashley

Sleepless Nights.

I CAN'T FREAKIN SLEEP!

Man, graduation just seemed like it was yesterday. Now...I am leaving this place I have called home for 6 years. Here we go again, moving. You know, I was finally warming up to living here and I gotta leave all over again. Now if you think about this logically, you begin making those life long friends at the age of six...ok so I moved when I was twelve. There goes those friends. Then I made some friends again and another six years later we are all off going our separate ways. This is definitely not how I had it planned...but hey that's just part of life not going according to how we wanted it to. I can't sleep lately because there are so many emotions running through me that I can't fall asleep without thinking or freaking out...eventually I'll cry. I have got five days left. With not enough time in the day they will be gone before my very eyes. I have so much to do still and want to spend time with some people very close to me but that just seems like things will be harder. I was always dying to get away from here but at the same time I wanted to bring this place with me. It's like, if we lived wherever I got accepted to a college I would live in the dorm and be happy in college because everything I wanted would still be in the same spot, but guess what...that's not how it goes down. I guess eventually we all gotta leave our safe haven it's whether or not we are ready. A lot of people think that I am ready and that I am very independent...but let me tell you something they are SOOOO wrong. I can be independent when I want to or absolutely have to....and now that time has come. I have to be independent and I have kinda taken those steps this summer to doing that but I got a ways to go. I am ready to have this liberty of being 18 and doing what I want, but I am also scared of it. I am scared of doing things I shouldn't and doing things I'll regret. Yea I am sure my parents will be calling every day all day for the first couple of months but it would be like my mom waiting up for me to get home even if it was three in the morning but that's going to be gone. I will walk into my suite and no one will be sitting on the couch with the TV left on waiting for me. I won't have to wake someone and say "I'm home, I'm going to bed now." As much as I absolutely hated being checked up on and always having to call every time I left somewhere and got somewhere, I'm going to miss it. Not it necessarily but the thought of knowing that my parents are worried [in a good way]/ care about me. I am sure they still will but it's going to be different they have to believe that I am ok and don't need to hear that I am ok every minute of every day. I am going to miss that a lot.

I am excited for the new adventure ahead. College. Something no one in my family did right after high school. I mean yea my dad obviously went to college but not till he was like thirty. My sister never finished but she went to a CC in SD and after high school she went to culinary school then a CC but then she had my adorable niece and never finished. It's funny catching my dad always on the cal lutheran website it actually drives me insane. It's my life now and though he does pay for it...he doesn't need to know what I will be doing 24/7. But hey, that's my dad. It's just him being excited to see his daughter [HIS one and only princesa] off to college. They are proud of me and that's something I should accept instead of it driving me crazy. I mean people at work in the Coffee Bean were saying "Oh you are Ashley!" and I am like uhh yea...and they said yea your mom was in here talking about how you are going off to college and what not...and I just smiled and laughed. My mom tells everyone. I like that. I mean as much as I feel I failed myself, I didn't fail my parents. Their only expectation out of me was to go to a college. What college didn't matter it only mattered to me. This move we made was for my dad and a job but honestly, it was also for me. They knew for me to be successful after high school I needed to be in a city with better education and that was anywhere but Imperial. They think I don't appreciate everything but I really do. I just have a hard time expressing that.

I am ready for it all except, the friends and family part. I have my friends that I care about deeply but there is one in particular that when I think about it...I just feel like crying. My best friend I spent every waking day at school with her this year and in the previous ones. She is the only friend I stuck through thick and thin with since freshmen year. At times we wanted to strangle each other and then there are the memories I will never forget. Her mom and dad were my mom and dad. Her little sister was my little sister and her house was my house. Her mint n chip ice cream was OUR mint n chip ice cream. Volleyball was what we had in common and experiencing life is all that we ever did. I can't stand the thought of her being so far away from me. The thought of not seeing her every day or months at a time kills me. She is the person that says the things I don't want to hear even when I say not right now...or hides the truth from me when she doesn't want to see me hurt anymore she keeps it to herself and just tells me....Ashley just trust me because I love you and you know I don't want to see you hurt anymore. She helps me get into trouble and then she helps get me out of it except that one night. I am going to miss her so much that it drives me insane. My family, wow for never being close at all it sucks that we are now. My sister and I ...getting along it's not common at all, but it has been for the past year. I love spending time with her and watching our favorite TV shows. Kailee that little girl grew on me more and more by the day. I remember she didn't want to be around me now she wont let go of me. Miya the new niece...my goodness I'll be missing out on a lot with her. My mom and dad...poor mom she has got to put up with dad all by herself now. =]

This is the reason I don't sleep at night. I have jury duty in the morning. It's 3AM and I'm still awake...wanna know why? My mom isn't home yet...wonder who I get that from. :)

-Ashley

Is it worth the risk?

November 22, 2005 - Mistake?
August 12, 2006 - So much for my happy ending
Senior Year following October 14th, 2006 - realization of November 22, 2005 being a MAJOR mistake....


or was it?

THE PAST
So, let's go back through the high school years [I can say that now...haha]. There was this boy that caught my eye and was in 3 of my classes freshmen year. Not only did I see him at school but I saw him outside of school at my dad's work. Well I liked him as a friend at first. He made me laugh. He listened. He was just one of those guys you get along with easily. The year goes on and I like him as more than a friend. He dates my friend for 9 months and neither of them ever knew how I felt. pretty torturous. Well about 5 months into it, my friend confronts me about it in PE one day well more like our friend shouting across the pool while I was walking, "YOU LIKE DARREN DON'T YOU ASHLEY?!!?" ....oh boy. So yea, well they broke up and we were still good friends and that's where it all started. Sophomore year, Mrs. Hoff's English II HP class in P-11. We sat next to each other always talked I gave him rides home even though I wasn't supposed to be driving people and we became closer. Still always the friend I wanted him to be. He was always there for anything. I mean the boy just liked to talk to me and I liked to talk to him. Even though bringing the cop stuff up always got on my nerves, but I sat there like any other crushing girl listening as if I wanted to listen to him so willingly. So the summer rolls around, we go to the movies a few times and everyone sees it. The friendship is no longer a friendship it's something more. Something more that I knew, was coming at the wrong time, but still I went for it and so did he...we both did it so reluctantly. Well Junior year came and with it being out in the open that we were "talking", here came the part that would be hard. Junior year begins the start of the hectic life of an IB Diploma student, which he was. I was caught up in ASB stuff 24/7 from September to October and school that I could only imagine what it was like for him. Well he did everything I wanted him to. I even tried not to ask for his help but for some reason God wanted it that way. I locked my keys in my truck on a Saturday morning at the school when we were building the float and I called EVERY single number in my phone and NO ONE answered [my parents were out of town]. So, I finally called his, and of course he answered. I woke him up and explained my situation [I tried to let him go first] and he said give me fifteen minutes and I'll be there. Let's just say that was embarrassing so then he was called my Prince Charming saving me...lol. Well we went and saw the midnight premiere of harry potter with our friends and of course he called and offered to pick me up...the boy went and asked my dad at work if it was ok he took me for crying out loud...TALK ABOUT EFFORT. sooo lets just say out of all the times we had together there wer about 15 times he could have asked me out and about 8 that he could have asked me to homecoming, but my oh my he just would not do it. So it came down to me asking him [lame] but let's just say I was yelled at in Red Robin that if I didn't do it they didn't want to here me complain when someone else asked him. So we go to Homecoming together and it was fun, and he was more than I could ask for that night. Well I liked him, he was my best guy friend that I had crushed on and off through out high school, and November 22,2005 he asked me to be his girl friend. Now I knew he was going to ask because some blond friend of mine decided to email me the conversation. So that whole two weeks I was thinking...do you really want to do this? I am putting friendship at risk...is it worth it?

THE PRESENT.
After we broke up on August 12, 2006 which took about ohhh 2 and a half hours to do. We still had the rest of summer and everything seemed like we were still going to be best friends we promised each other....oh but of course things don't always go according to plan now do they? NOPE. School starts and it's nothing but drama once everyone finds out. So it starts with rumors. Then comes homecoming and then comes the Nikko problems...it just get worse through out the year, nikko being like my best friend through all of junior year goes on a date with him. He starts talking badly about me so I start back. It just goes down hill to where we are not speaking and pretty much have a strong dislike for each other. As of this summer [2007] we are finally talking and trying to get back to hanging out like normal, but it is never going to be the same.

WAS IT WORTH IT?

I lost something that I looked forward to. I think I would have been perfectly fine with crushing on him till this day when I went off to college and he no longer mattered. I looked forward to just talking with him, listening to him, making fun of him, seeing him at things with the cops, and just being his friend. I lost all of that because I took a risk. I had the chance I wanted and I took it. I took it and never thought about the consequences after I said. OF COURSE! I don't have that really good guy friend anymore because of how much we went through this year. We lost trust in each other. You can't have a friendship without trust. Our AIM conversations are three minutes compared to the hours they were before. It drives me insane. I took a risk and I'm glad I did because how else would I have ever known. I took a risk that put me in a bad position later on. I took a risk because it was time for it. So was losing him completely worth that risk? At times I think ABSOLUTELY. and at other times I think...WHY DID I DO THAT?!? but you know what. I wouldn't take those nine months back for anything. They were hell at some times but when they were good...they were AMAZING. Had they always been great then I wouldn't feel so badly about all this but they were always that great. But I realized something, our break up was him being the good person that I loved. He was busy. He wished he had more time in the day to spend it with me. "You deserve to be with someone who can be there for you, more than I can". Takes a lot for people to admit that don't you think? In due time if God wants it that way, our friendship will come back. It will be easier now without the high school drama. When that day comes. I'll let ya know. Happily :)
-Branches [just cuz it's our thing]

lots of stuff...

is coming soon.
there have been about...ohhh 3-5 blog topics: love, insecurities, change, realizations, friends, the past, and work; that have been running through my head the past two months, just been busy with work and babysitting and then sleeping lol. btw i saw a shirt today at work and took a picture for Elysia to see because it reminded me of her...

it read.


I'm not lazy, I just like to hang out, A LOT.

:)

So Elysia - I am not lazy, I just like to hang out, A LOT ....in my bed. :)

Understanding. Wants. AND. Dreams.

W.A.N.T.S



D.R.E.A.M.S



My obsession in life is fulfilling both of those. The problem? Understanding why I obsess over it and why it is so important to me. Why is fulfilling a small dream that won't matter years from now become the reason I feel I exist. It almost drives me insane pensively sitting here trying to reason my reasons for being so caught up in all of my dreams and wants in my life. Live for the moment is what I am taught and yea that's what I am doing but at the same time the future is all that I constantly think about. It's aggravating to the MAX. And to be quite honest, I think dreams and wants are exactly the same thing. I mean people dream of becoming something but it's not a dream to fulfill its a want. Everything in life is want unless it's a pure necessity like, eating and sleeping. We want love. We want to be successful. We want to be better than average. We want a lot of money.

W A N T S

....

they....suck. and i DONT want them....wait yea i do.

....

I want people to accept my wants. I don't care if you think I will change my mind. That's just a way of people getting into my head which then causes me to believe that my mind has been changed when it hasn't. I am not doing that for the second time. I did it this year and I won't do it next year. What I want is what I will do and get. End of story.

Ashley.

What I Want

Have you ever felt like the world around you had your destiny laid out for you? Like they all believed you were destined to go to that awesome school, be the first one to really make something of yourself, and not be like the rest of the family. I absolutely hate that feeling. I mean, I know it sounds cocky and all but that is exactly how my family is. To them, I have had the upper hand on life compared to them and yea I am not going to lie I have, but why does that define me? I have set up so many goals for myself that I did not accomplish, but honestly, I don’t really think it was ever something I myself really wanted. To be quite honest, sure I would have loved to been admitted to Notre Dame but I wasn’t. Yea I applied to five UC schools, and I didn’t get in. Yes, I was accepted to this school that I am going to now, and apparently it’s a great school, and it gave me $12,000 scholarship a year, but what if it’s not what I want? What if I want something much more simple? What if I baffle everyone’s mind and do the extreme? What if I just walk away from it all and go somewhere no one would ever expect me to go, a community college. What is so bad about them anyways? I always had made them out to be nothing more than a high school with a title on it but I’ve seen so many people come out of COD or any community college for that matter and make something of themselves. Why can’t I do it too? I’ll tell you why! It’s because I’ve always been expected to do better. What’s better though? Isn’t going to college already better than 50% of my high school? Moving out of my house to a different community college with different people a new life on my own, that’s different that 75% of my family. Yea at one point I wanted to these schools but now I just want it something else. Honestly, I feel like I’m settling for Cal Lutheran because why am I going to turn down this “great school that gave me a scholarship” for a community college, because I have better plans! I want to start out small and end big and my first dream school and from there I want to go to Law School, and from there who knows! Sure become an attorney but why stop there?!? No one will understand my logic they will just say, you can do all that with Cal Lutheran, but honestly it’s just not the same. How come everyone gets to pick the campus that when they step foot on it they know that’s where they belong, but me, when I know it doesn’t feel right, I have to do it anyway? For once, I would like the opportunity to just be different, I did what my parents wanted me to in high school but I would like to make my own choices. What I want, is my future to happen the way I want it to happen but you know what, it isn’t going to happen the way I want it because I hate letting people down, and that’s exactly what I would be doing. I would be letting every single person that has expected so much of me down, and that is a much worse feeling than getting those rejection letters from the colleges I was expected to go to. Much worse.

*Ashley*

Accomplished

Some people think graduating is their key to freedom, a new life, new people, and a chance to be the person they never could in high school because of the immaturity they were surrounded by. For me, I remember I couldn't wait to graduate, but that was in December and the months kept going by me faster and faster. I changed within that short time. From September to March, I was running, and graduation was just that drive that kept me going because after I graduated, I would be running even further. I guess it's typical then for every senior to run then isn't it? I mean, why would anyone want to leave a place they called home for four years with friends that they won't be seeing every day? Honestly, anyone who says they can't wait to get out of here is just running, running away from everything they are tired of dealing with. After hearing my fellow classmates on the way home from Senior Ditch Day discuss whether or not they made the best of their four years spent at our high school it made me think. Did I myself make the best of these four years. Was my decision the right one after all? And was it all worth it in the end when I look back on it? To tell you the truth, through out the years I constantly had the agonizing painful regret of "What if I had gone to Indio?", but that's life is it not? We choose a path for a certain reason and we will always wonder what it might have been like had the other path been traveled. Well, to be quite honest, as much as I think Indio was the right place for me after all, there is a reason God led me to La Quinta. As I begin to think about my four years at LQ, I realize how much change and torture I went through. The sleepless nights with endless amounts of homework and studying only to pull off a B, with the friends where there was never a dull moment. What exactly did I make of these four years? I will tell you what I made. I made a well prepared high school graduate ready to take on the world. I made friends. I made mistakes. I played sports. I took the hardest classes knowing I wouldn't get straight As. I took the challenge. I fell in love [or so I thought]. I chose the wrong battles. I won the right battles. I had fun. I got into trouble. I was the listener. I was the advisor. I was the true friend. I was the best friend. I was trusted. I was Ashley. I made the person that stands before you today. Four years ago, I was the quietest person you could find sitting in a classroom. Now, I am one of the loudest. There are so many things I dislike about La Quinta and so much corruption that I went under, that it caused me to have this defined hatred for the school since freshmen year. This hatred continued over the years until I graduated. Was it all really worth it in the end? Yea I had my ups and my downs, and boy let me tell you there were definitely some downs, but that’s what my friends were for. Yea Indio is an amazing school itself and is definitely not given enough credit for, I know I didn’t give it as much as it deserved until two years ago, but the decision I made is La Quinta, for whatever reason it is I chose it. Did I make the most of it? Of course I did. I made the most of every night I got only 3-4 hours sleep. I did everything on campus I could or that I wanted to. I made sure I tried everything I wanted to try. I left that school a well rounded person. I left that school with more knowledge than just what I learned in my IB Classes, I discovered who I was. Discovery is by far the best subject you can learn and I think that’s what made me make the most of La Quinta. I am pretty sure I walked into that school on in September of 2003 scared as ever but saying, “you better make the most of it”. Of all the goals I have had in life, this is by far one of the ones I am most proud of. I told myself to become all I could in high school and I did. My goal to make the most of high school is accomplished, and I couldn’t be more proud of myself. [I know for once right Elyisa?] Now that I accomplished that one, I am off to bigger and better goals to make and fulfill.

*Ashley*

I knew it...

Things are changing...
they have been changing, i knew they were going to change, but for some reason I believed that they would not. I mean not at least until I left for college, but it's all changing right before my very eyes. Maybe I am wrong, maybe it's not changing but I feel like I am being pushed away. I hate that feeling, I know I say the wrong things sometimes but I don't know I am just so scared lately and the one person I need is not here. Graduation has officially scared the crap out of me after watching my fellow OLPHers and new friends I met along the way, graduate tonight. It has made me realize that it's here, the moment I have been excited for all year, I'm suddenly wishing would go away. I have endured so much more than I should have this year, but then again I guess that means I will always remember it among the drama, the homework, the tests, and the goals never reached...I am done. Among the friends that stabbed me the ones that I have known for four years, and the new friends I made this year the Big being the best person I could have by my side and Danni being that new friend in my life I am glad to have. It's all changing though, I'm pushing people away and I believe someone is pushing me away because I am going to college. It didn't matter what college I chose in the end, I think it was going to happen this way anyway, I knew it would and that's part of the reason why I tried choosing Chicago, but you know what I am happy with Cal Lutheran. Oh so very happy about my decision and no one can take that away from me. I hate the fact that I feel like the most important person is pushing me away, I am sure she is not but that is just how it's been feeling lately. The lovely blonde one [you'll never figure it out because I have a lot of blonde friends], well she needs to suck it up already, and realize the ex is a douche and stop taking it out on me because its making the last days of high school hell between us and I don't like that at all. I want things to work out and I want people to be able to talk to me the same but lately they havent been and its proving to me that I was right all along, they will be here, but they wont be here on command like they have been, the routine is gone. I stay up late and I notice it is all gone. What Routine? THE routine. It's non-existent now and that's what hurts the most, and that's the reason that I will cry at graduation, because that means its done.

Don't get me wrong Ill meet new people but they will never be able to replace some people, and the sad part is, they will have to fill the gaps. Right now I am completely unhappy but I promise it will get better. This week has been the worst for me, because I hate realizing things like this. Its better now than later though.

Thanks for letting me rant, if this offends you in away its not meant to do that. In fact, it's not even to convey a message it's simply thoughts overwhelming me that I need to relieve myself of.

-Ashley

Respect.

Over time, we will respect someone that we do not particularly like, but tolerance of that person allows for your own personal growth as a person. It teaches you who not to be like and tolerate those that are like that in the future.

Over the years many have found it impossible to respect let alone appreciate a particular person in the spring. It has come to my attention that respect is not easily gained. Yes, I know there are people that respect me and I respect a whole lot of people as well. I most definitely never had respect for this lady. She made my life a living hell or so I thought. In fact, she has made everyone's lives a living hell according to them. Truth of the matter is, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. She can make comments all she wants about the way you do things, but only you can let it affect you. No one wants to see her next year, no one wants to play for her next year. Today I got the, "you are so lucky you are a senior". I guess I am lucky in their eyes. I don't consider it lucky, because I want to be there when they win next year. Yea practice wasn't always enjoyable nor did we really learn anything but in a way, it's helped me grow as a softball player. This season I have learned just to take in everything being said to me, and just continue to do what I do, proving those that think I can't wrong. I also learned to respect her. Not out of fear, or finally liking her, but because even though she never taught me a single thing, her ways taught me to teach myself, be proud of myself and I learned that I am not going to always get praised when I do well. I know when I do well and whether or not she notices does not matter. I've learned to respect her because no matter what, she is the coach and there is nothing I can change about that. To keep dwelling on it this late in the season will not only make practice worse, but less enjoyable, the minute I started to have a respect for her, is the minute when softball became more enjoyable. I give my 110% like she asks, I work hard, and I play harder. Like another coach once told me and the rest of the team, "Remember this is your game, not hers, you make the calls and you don't let anyone else take control of your attitudes." It's true. What is the point in dwelling on the fact that she doesn't correct us when we do something wrong or show us how to do the things she asks? There isnt. Today is when I realized that I just have to do what she asks and hope for the best. Today I learned to have fun again. Today was the day I was noticed by the coaches as being at the peak of my season. Today is the day where I realized that I had respect for someone I never thought possible. She is not my friend, she is not even someone I really like talking to, but she has earned my respect for her. I just wish that the rest of the girls would see that the more they make comments about our situation or how they don't want her here next year, the less and less enjoyable their passion will be for the sport they have loved for so many years. I have hated softball since sophomore year, and finally I am enjoying it once again. Yea, it may have taken all season but I am glad it did, had I quit when I said I was, I would have never gotten to experience all the fun I have had with my young girls on the team. I will cherish every moment they made me laugh and times we spent together. I wouldn't take them back for anything.

Respect is by far one of the greatest things you can give to a person, whether they know they have it or not.

Part 2 - The People

There is one woman in my life that has been like a sister to me, in due time, I found it really hard to not talk to her every day. She taught me a lot about life, and things that she had learned, I enjoyed talking to her before volleyball games, and during class. I saw her for a majority of the first four months of my senior year. Before school, during school, and after school there she was, door open always willing to have a conversation with me. She was in my life for a season, for some unknown reason, God wanted her to part from me in the middle of the year. God blessed her with the most adorable child ever, Aubrie Mae, and then he sent her husband to a job back in Kansas. Now, I knew that baby was going to come and that she would be leaving school for a while, but the Kansas news was very shocking to me. Not only did she never tell me but it was the worst thing I had ever heard. I felt like a knife had just been stuck in my heart. I sat there trying to enjoy the last months we would have together, and thinking oh she will be back before the school year ends, the school year is at its end and she isn’t coming back. For once, I had found someone that I could talk to openly and freely about anything that was bothering me. I could cry in front of her if I wanted to, not that I ever did. She was there for me and I was there for her. It actually came to the point where I refused to do things for her because she decided to be a jerk. The daily jokes about my ex and how she uses just to “get a reaction out of me because it makes her laugh”, were something I grew accustomed to.

Steph, oh my, I will never forget the day we spent together before I left for Notre Dame and the day before you had the baby. You and I went and walked the track and talked after school. We spent at least 3 hours together after school that day. Talking about my relationship with my family and how I wanted to fix it and how its not nearly perfect. I didn’t really expect that to be the last day I saw her at school, but it was. I told her not to have Aubrie until I got back from Notre Dame but no, she had her two days later! The best part was when she called me when I was about to turn off my phone on the plane and I said “Hi” and she said “What are you doing?” and I said “I am on the plane” and then she yelled at me and said “OMG, what are you doing answering you are supposed to have your phone off! Turn off your phone!” and then I told her, “I was just about to but you called me so I answered.” Then she laughed at me and said “Ok, well I was just calling back but call me when you land so I know you are safe and have a great time!” Oh man, what a great person she is, I miss her so much and I wish she was here for me right now, because she always had the right advice for me and I always felt better after talking to her. I wouldn’t have had my senior year any other way, without her I’d be more lost now than I was to begin with.

There are three more girls in my life where I am not quite sure where they fit yet, The relationships I have with them are ones that I have learned to appreciate and never take for granted. They have put up with me no matter what even when they felt that I would never change. These three girls have helped me through so much that they made me appreciate friendships more than ever this year. I learned what being a good friend in return has for you.

This girl made the Ashley that stands before you today, she changed the way she looks, and dresses and pretty much taught me how to have a good time. I sat there watching Lauren struggle through her junior year, and trying to be the best friend I could to her. Watching the girls she had been friends with all through high school continually stab her in the back was so devastating to her that I could not stand watching her cry or be as miserable as she was. I tried so hard to be there for when she needed me and let her vent to me on the phone. When things came to the point of authorities in the middle of it, I helped her, my dad helped her, it’s when I realized that one day, she would do the same for me. I have constantly watched out for her and never turned my back on her. This year, she found herself in my position, this year our friendship was taken to a whole new level. During the summer I experienced my first break up, and when I say Lauren was there for it, I mean, she was literally on the phone with me five minutes before it all happened telling me what to say and how to say it. Then the minute it was done, I called her and she was already at her house waiting for me. She came home from a party, just to help me get through it all. She dragged me out of my bed the next night and took me driving with her friend that was visiting and we drove and rocked out to music, all because she wanted me happy. This girl, helped me survive this summer and all of my senior year, she made me realize the things I didn’t want to realize about friends and ones that I thought were my friends, our roles had switched. She was now watching me struggle. She watched me deal with the hardships of a first break up and the drama that went a long with. She was there with the backstabbing friends that I had been friends with for year. She never failed to come over after her long nights at work just to watch a movie or tv or just plain out talk. It was fun, this year has been fun with her, just me and her. We sit there through fifth period doing nothing but talking then going out after school to golden spoon or to her house for some “bomb quesadillas” haha. Life with Lauren by my side made this senior year bearable. Even when we were not hanging out on the weekends the phone calls for the “catching up” times was always fun. Spending the night. Hanging out. Doing that secret thing before the big CIF Finals [no one knows still so yea it’s a secret]. Football game. Watching her cheer. Lauren Turner is just that friend I can always have a good time with. I like going to her house and spending time with her and her mom and dad who always make me laugh. I enjoy laughing about the past with her and just plain out making fun of her. We just have this friendship where we can be such bitches to each other in the nicest way. Or as I like to put it sometimes….

That’s just the way it is with Lauren. Whether we are out partying, sitting at our houses eating and watching a movie, or just driving around randomly we never fail to have a good time. Sure we have our little moments when we both get on each others back because of certain things we have no control over but it doesn’t mean we hate each other. I love that her and I are such good friends, when I never though I would be friends with some one like her. Miss bubbly bobbling head blonde haired cheerleader that shops at Hollister. Oh man, to think she would be my best friend. Sheesh. Haha. I love it. All I gotta say is she is here for a lifetime, her mommy said so. “Lauren you and Ashley are going to be friends forever I can see it” Almost everyone says that and I absolutely love it. I pray that she stays here for a lifetime, but I have no control over the future, well I do but she gives me hints that she is going to miss me more than I thought, and it’s the most reassuring thing ever. She finally supports my decision if I choose to leave to Chicago which shows to me that she will be here supporting me for as long as I stay supporting her and believe me Lauren is one of those friends I don’t plan to lose. I love her to death and forever we will be *AL* =].

OMG, what to say about this lovely lady friend of mine. She has been my friend since freshmen year the day we met in PE and volleyball. We of course have had our ups and downs and still do till this day but we love each other oh so very much. She is my family and I am her family. We eat, sleep, and make a mess at each others houses all the time. She is my best friend. I wouldn’t have our friendship any other way, she is completely honest with me and I am completely honest with her. I call her my best friend for those reasons exactly. We know how to have a good time together and if we need a shoulder to cry on we give each other a call. We refuse to let each other be sad when we are in the presence of each other. Never is there a dull moment when we are together. Whether we are TPing, forking, partying, shopping, watching a movie, or smoking the hookah, we are having a random crazy time. I admire Gen more than she knows, she is by far one of the strongest girls I have ever been friends with. She has experienced a lot in her life such as illnesses that I am glad she has overcome and has finally moved on from them. What she experienced is something that is very difficult to deal with and I am glad that she will never go through that again. I have never been one to like hearing the truth but with Gen it’s become expected. She always tells me what I know is true but don’t ever want to admit. If it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be able to get through some of the stuff at school. According to Steph, “Don’t worry about where Gen is, she is always going to be here for you because I can see the bond between you guys.” It is so reassuring to hear that. It is reassuring that one of the most important girls in high school and the other one, I have been told are always going to be around. Life with Gen has been great. She is going to have crazy fun in college that I wish I could be a part of, but hey I’ll be doing my own thing too. After our crazy weekends those Sunday phone calls to share stories will always be quite eventful. And of course, we will have to meet up with her teeny tiny hookah to relax together. Gen is pretty much a necessity in my life, not talking to her every day is going to be devastating but I think we can make it. I mean we already started discussing her wedding and how I am going to be in it haha. Who will she marry? I don’t know but she knows they have to pass the Ashley test, and then I can give her the right hand motion [inside joke]. I intend to keep on working on the relationship I have with her forever and that we will always keep in touch. We have been through the hard parts of the friendship and now its just friends from here on out. My lifetime buddy is going to Cal Poly SLO, I am going, …somewhere. She will always be in my heart and she says I will always be in hers. When we both come home to visit, we already know there are days designated just for the two of us, and that, is what keeps me happy knowing we will always see each other on breaks. Gen and I have this motto that keeps us going through life and it’s this:

LIVE LIFE BY THE RIGHT HAND NOT THE LEFT.

Now, there is one more special girl in my life. She is by far the definition of a necessity. She has helped me grow and change and learn so much about myself and life. She has made me a better a person, and continues to make me feel special every day. If I need help she is there, if I need advice she is there. She has been everything I could ask for in a friend. She has helped me better understand things that I never thought I could understand. She made me realize that it doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks. She taught me that in the end it’s my happiness that matters most, so I need to do what makes me happy and stop worrying about pleasing other people. She took the time to listen always listening and always helping even though she probably could have been doing something more important or entertaining, but instead she chose to help me. She forced me to stop running away from my problems and understand that one day I would run out of places to run, and I did. She saw things that none of my other friends saw, for example how distant I was from my parents and my family. She made me realize a lot about my relationship with my family and how something needed to be done about fast, so I worked on it. She is someone that I learned to trust within in months of talking, someone that I built a strong relationship with faster than anyone I have every known, and she is someone that I am deathly scared of losing. I don’t know why she and I became so close but she taught me just to take it for what it is. Stop questioning why someone comes into your life or why someone cares about you so much, just accept it and enjoy it. I never in a million years thought we would be this close, how we started talking we both still don’t understand till this day. I look forward to the midnight talks and using the excuse “but it’s Elysia.” I love when she texts me when she is in the valley and asks if I am home or what I am doing because in Elysia words that means I am going to come over soon. I love going to Irvine to spend time with her even if we just sit in her dorm doing nothing or we talk about life, and her all time favorite subject “the A”. She is so much smarter and experienced so much more about life and has so much to offer to the world it amazes me, she is just, the Big One, just Elysia:

She is the only one that understands why this process about college has been so hard for me, and she has been there every step of the way to help me. She made me realize things about Chicago and about Cal Lutheran, and she knows I have a decision to make. She knows how in love I am with Loyola but she also knows how in love I am with my friends, and she knows she is part of the reason, but she was the first one to tell me, to do what I want because I have to be happy. She was the first one to say, “I need to stop being selfish” I will definitely remember that night. She has grown on me, and I have definitely grown on her [you know its true]. As much as I try to understand why the heck God put her in my life like he did and had her grow on me when I am trying to leave, I will never understand. What I do understand is this, she doesn’t make promises she can’t keep, she doesn’t promise that things will be the same if I leave and I am sure she doesn’t promise that they will be the same if I stay, but she does promise me this, she will try her heart out whether or not they do or don’t is a mystery. I’m scared that she is only here for a reason, that reason being teaching me everything I have learned, and I am scared that once she is done teaching, for whatever reason the friendship will just drift away, but it’s assuring to hear “Ashley, you have become quite the necessity…” and gives me all the more reason to just accept the fact that she is here and just take it for what it is. Sometimes I wish I knew just how to thank her, and just tell her how much I appreciate her, and everything she does for me, but I have never been that good at expressing it let alone showing it. She knows that. I was hoping that maybe this would be able to explain how much I appreciate her, but I am sure no one will still quite understand. Just know that some day, I will be able to find a way to thank her, but for now, I am just going to live for the moment and take it for what it is, two things she has constantly stressed to me. Two things, that I will take with me everywhere, and two sayings that I will always remember and tell other people, My Big taught me that one, she is the most amazing person I have ever met, maybe one day you will be lucky enough to meet her, beucase I know I sure was and I thank God for that every day!

Part 1 - Relationships

When someone comes into your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason, you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season!LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (any way); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

I find this to be ever so true. When I first read it about two months ago, I was like yea I guess that’s true, but I never really sat there to analyze the friendships and people that are still here and the ones that have left. There are a few people I can probably categorize at the moment, some may find that they don’t like their category whereas others will accept the category I have chosen for them and they understand it. The ones that understand, truly understand themselves and the relationship we have.

Amazing

Wow, this weekend was by far the best one. I haven't had a weekend all to myself in such a long time. I mean, I hadn't been the movies since, I can't even remember. I haven't pulled the leave the house at 7:20am and dont get home till 2am the next day bit in forever. Friday I got to school then left to the softball game at palm springs, from the game I went to the Indio softball game, then from that game I left to the movies at the River to see Spiderman 3 with Danni and Gen. Took Danni home and was at home at 2am. Oh man it was great! I forgot how much fun doing that with friends was. It made me realize how much softball has taken control of my life. I really really enjoyed myself friday night and man saturday was just as good. Getting ready for prom was fun, getting my nails done and picking out shoes in under 20 minutes from the store, I must say that takes some serious skill. HAH. Then going home hopping in the shower and blow drying my hair and then having the Big one do my hair! She did an amazing job and I had fun while she did my hair and make up. Then off to Jackie's house where the limo was picking us up and off to prom. Oh boy how much fun I had. I loved this weekend and I will remember it forever! Today I will sit back and enjoy my time off and remember how awesome all of my friends were last night from eating at McDonalds to watching my favorite bitch Erin Seto drunk :) I couldn't have asked for a better weekend to put an end to the year. I hope to have many more as the year comes to an end!

It's Coming!

June 14th, 2007

That day is well on its way ever too quickly. I remember when I couldn't wait to get out of this hell of a high school, where drama surrounded me even if I was not involved. Where friends that I had been friends with since freshmen year had become meaningless shit talkers and I no longer cared for. This year started out terrible. I knew there was something wrong when Lauren couldn't stand to be around me. That is how I know I have changed since then. I was not happy at the beginning of the year. Yea sure I had a reason, my heart had been broken, and was continued to be broken through the year. Lauren didn't understand that, and she never will because her and I are two different people with two different personalities, but we completely mesh together well. It was MY senior year, and it was not going as I had planned it. Something I believed that was supposed to be so perfect, was not. September was like I was living in hell and there was no one around to save me. October, a continued hell, with not knowing who I could trust and who the hell was still my friend. Homecoming, I wish I could have another one, because that was by far the worst one. As for November 22, 2006, that was the day I would never forget. It was the day that Darren took Nikko on a date, the same date, that he asked me to be his girlfriend, could the year get any shittier? I believe it did. Darren came to a point of hatred towards me for what reason I have no clue. I didn't talk to him, and I didn't even say anything to him about the situation. I just let it be. December was when everything started to fall in its place. I had my friends back. Well the ones that mattered at least, and I became close to my outside of high school friends because I realized drama doesn't exist there. If I only had the four girls in my life that I talk to all the time now, I would be perfectly happy. The people that have NEVER screwed me over, are the ones that matter to me, and the ones I am going to miss. They are the reason, I am so scared of what is coming in just six short weeks. Six weeks and my daily routine since 2003, is done. It is the scariest thing of my life. I remember when the Big One, said to me that by softball season, everything was going to fly by me and I wasn't going to realize it till it was time. Wow, she was sooo right. I have six weeks left, at least 3 of them are still dedicated to softball. Prom is this weekend, and it is all just going faster than lightning. As soon as these IB Exams are done, school is DONE for IB kids at least. I guess it's all just finally hitting me, finally sinking in. I am on my way to being on my own, not completely because I will more than likely still be here in California, but not seeing my family every day, or my friends. It is all just scaring me. It's like now that it's here, there are so many things I wish I could change, but I guess there is a reason God wanted my senior year this way. I always imagined my senior year perfect, but it was far from that. I cried more this year than I have in my lifetime, and that's a whole lot. It was a year of emotions and cruel intentions from people I thought were my friends. It's made me realize who are the most important in my life and the ones that I can truly call "friends". That term has been used so much for all types of people but now I am learning who I can call my friends, and who I can call my true and best friends. I have friends, I have WAY too many friends, but when it comes to true/best friends, I have four: Gen, Lauren, Elysia, Jessica. 2 in high school, and 2 out of high school. I like it that way, it works. I wouldn't have it any other way. I've learned a lot this year about who you can trust and who you can't trust, it's been one hell of an experience that's for sure. I am sure it won't be over once I get to college either though, but hey what can do you about it? It's a learning process. This year has been the ultimate learning process, I still can't take it all in. There are a few things that I clearly can say I understand now so much better

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1. Take things for what they are. Stop asking your self why, or how come, and stop over analyzing [even though you like to]. Dont question the outcome just accept it. Dont try and fix what you can't, just accept it. It will all be ok in the end.

2. As of today, your ex-bf is not someone you will try to have a friendship with anymore. It's done. He is a jerk, and always has been. Today just ultimately proves to you how fake he is and how he tries to impress everyone. Let's face it. He is going down hill while you are going up, just by the time he realizes it, you will be too busy laughing.

3. Life is what you make of it. If it's shitty make it better. You have control of your life don't let other people have control of it. I hold control of MY happiness [Ty Big One]. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says because in the end I have to do what I want to make myself happy or better yet said number 4 that I learned came from what someone once wrote to me in a card for my 18th birthday :)

4.Always follow YOUR heart and YOUR dreams, because in the end, it's YOUR happiness that matters most. ---my life, my dreams, my happiness, no one can create my life except me I am the only one capable of making what I want to happen, happen.

5. Friends, they come and go. What you do with your life can't be surrounded by them, if you are willing to take the risk and doing that, don't regret it in the end. You know you won't just remember that it is your choice, and you need to....[read #4]

6. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. [Big]

7. You have the capability of being whatever you want to be, what school you didn't get into is not a judgement of you as a human being and what you are capable of doing. No one years from now will remember who got accepted where and who went to school where. Another thing, that white gown you wanted, who is going to remember. Besides it isnt that significant when there are 60 other people wearing it. Besides burgundy works better with your skin tone :)

8. Finally, just enjoy, you never know where the road might lead in the end, where your friends may go or where you may go, cherish the moments forget the losers and their drama and move on to new and better things. Just remember to do someone a favor and "clasp your teeth..." :)

Never Falling Short of Disappointment

Just when I thought, giving them a chance to prove to me things would be different, they still prove to me that in my final months before I leave, they truly can’t make time for me. It’s funny because Elysia has always asked me many times before for important things in my life, “Why don’t you invite your parents?” This is exactly why: for some reason, if I include them, they always have something more important to do. All I wanted was my mom to be there with me for my pictures, I mean, that’s what she is supposed to do right? Be there to help me get ready and change outfits and fix them for me. These are my SENIOR PORTRAITS….why is it so difficult for her to be there. It is a good thing they are pictures, because then she would miss it all together wouldn’t she. So as though I am making it sound like she wasn’t there, she was very much so. The fact that she left early was understandable but to come home to, “Now your sister is mad at me because I am late for the candle meeting [being held at our house] because you wouldn’t let me leave, I can never please both of you.” That was the last straw I had it. I am sick and tired of my sister doing this, she has her own life, her own family, she got all of the attention until she went to college, can I just have what’s left of “my time”. NO of course not! I seriously stood up to my mom this time, and yea sure I should not have said it but I did, I said, “Yea, well sorry, I just thought maybe this was more important, did you mention your OTHER daughter is graduating soon.” I mean, I guess it’s not that important. I am sorry that I ruin your plans, and that I need your help. When I need your help you complain and don’t have time, when you want to give me help, I don’t want it. It’s a continuous circle. Person after person, including my own family says go to Chicago, you know the more they say it the more I think they are just pushing me away. I don’t need to go to Chicago for you to push me away, I can be pushed as far as LA. I don’t need people who don’t need me. I mean, as for my family, that is a lost cause, they pushed me away in seventh grade when it didn’t seem important to pick me up from school on time, or getting home before it got dark. Showing up to softball games, that became unlikely. Even driving me to them, that was a joke. Wow, I remember when they took me to every softball game and practice and watched every game, always there. They never let anything get in the way of watching me play. What happened? We moved to a place where work suddenly became more important to my parents, so “I could have everything I have.” I would F****** take it all back to have what I use to have, but guess what its too late, I await being disappointed.

The Time Is Coming.

Oh great, I have to pick a college soon.
Definitely not super down!
Ugh. =[
Sadness.
I am thinking....pick one out of a hat? What do you think? Haha.
Seriously. Lets seeeeeeeeeeee...........
choices:
Loyola Chicago
Cal Lutheran
CSU Long Beach
IRVINE COLLEGE! lol.

hmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

i go with....idk. haha.

ima throw em in a hat? yea? sounds good to me!

oh boy....
ine minnie minee mo....

haha. ok im done... i just laugh at all of this now...hahahaha.
like dis.


AHHHHHHAHAHAHAHA [thats the deena laugh, some know it others dont]

annnnd ha ha [thats the elysia laugh online]

the ashley laugh goes.

LMAO [online]
or..

giggle giggle laugh laugh LAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHH haha.

wow this def the most random non deep blog i have ever written but guess what??
iiiiiii doooooooonnnnnnnnt caaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrreee!

Big One

Please stop saying sorry.
I should be saying sorry.
I am the one that has made you feel this way because you feel obligated to help me. If you are tired of giving me advice, don't. If you feel like you are letting me down, please don't. You have yet to let me down this year. I might as well just call you my best friend but its stronger than that. The more you tell me sorry the more I feel like I made you feel bad or something. Please don't be sorry. These are my problems, my decisions, my future, and YOUR FEELINGS AND OPINIONS matter to me a lot more than you think.

Sacrifice

The past week has been like hell for me, as if I have reached the bright orange and red sixty foot flames surrounding me in a confined space. It never really crossed my mind that I would suddenly find it difficult to be so selfish in my decision making. I have never been more influenced by some of my best friends as I have the past week. I feel as though that if they influence me then they will forever be here for me and nothing will change once we are off to college. That is not the truth though is it? The truth is, we will all change, we will all go our different ways for our adventure and to better ourselves. Some of us may take opportunity no matter how far away it is and some of us will not take that opportunity. Taking opportunity comes with its advantages and disadvantages just as much as not taking an opportunity. I find it necessary to look at both these situations. Where will I be most happy? I will forever be the happiest when I can confine myself in front of my closest friends when I want to see them, whether that be a twenty minute or a half an hour drive. I want to keep my friends and my life the way it is now, I do not want to lose these amazing people. A great opportunity lies before me and I am scared to take that opportunity by the reins and see where I can take myself because I feel that the risk of never seeing these people again is not worth it. What if I take this opportunity and still have those very meaningful late night chats on AIM with my close friends, the ones I long for each night? What if I take this opportunity and lose those meaningful chats? How unhappy will I be? It is something I can never know unless I experience it. Maybe there wouldn’t be a difference in my feelings or character either way. If I let this opportunity pass me by I may never get the chance again. It is quite possible I could regret it later, but then again:

“At one point in our life, we regret everything we did.”

Or so I have been told. At the moment I do not know where I want to spend the next four years of my life, I have some idea of where I want to be but again, the risk is way high. If I go far away when I come home it seems like I will only have time for my family and never see those four special people in my life. I am so used to talking to them every day of my life at any moment and calling them and saying “Hey, I need help” or “hey, I really need to see you” and BAM they are there in a heartbeat. Some of them are very good at making me think that if I go far away things won’t be the same, and that is by far my biggest influence. In fact, they just proved it to me right now. If I don’t take this opportunity because I want to see the people that mean so much to me and in the end I don’t I will have a lot of regret in my life. I can make the best of wherever I attend but I feel as though the options in California are not as great as the one in Chicago. I feel like when I attempt to apply to law school from California I will not get where I want but if I go to Chicago then I will. As much as some say the name is not important, I know that it is important. The better the undergrad school the better the graduate school. At this point I feel I am putting my future on the line, and that is not something I want to do. I am growing closer to my family than I thought I would. I have not argued with my parents in a long time, it almost feels unreal, and I have suddenly become very attached to my niece and my sister has been a sister to me finally. I am so much more attached to those four girls in my life that have always been there when I needed them the most. One was there for me through my first break up after a nine month relationship. Another one has been there since freshmen year day after day and I can call her parents MY parents, they are Mom and Dad to me. The third one, is my other half who I recently discovered how much we are alike when we randomly went to lunch at CPK. The fourth is the most important [yes the MOST important] and the one that I am MOST scared of losing. She is the one that has taught me everything about life this year; she has guided me through a lot of hard times and has grown on me faster than any of my other friends. It is not to say I don’t love the other three but those relationships grew over time and respect and trust was gained over years. This girl, has earned my trust, respect, and friendship in just a this year. I don’t even remember when we became so close since we were so distant playing softball together, but she is the closest. I know you are reading this probably after you said you didn’t want to talk anymore tonight, but I am not saying I am most scared of losing you in an insulting way, I am saying because of how fast we became so close that I feel it could all be taken away just as fast. No, I am not basing my college choice off of her at all, I am basing it off of my family, my friends, and how well do I really know myself.

I have come to realize that I disliked cal Lutheran so much it was almost like I HAD to like Loyola, but at the same time I really do love the school. Maybe I feel like it’s the best way to go because I don’t picture myself at cal Lutheran. I have always felt like I would be letting myself down if I went to a Cal State, but maybe its not that bad after all. At every school I will have to sacrifice something, it is not a matter of where I want to go, it is a matter of who or what I am willing to sacrifice. Do I sacrifice the student life of a school? Or do I sacrifice having a small class size? Or do I sacrifice, my family and friends? Something has got to go, this by far, is something I am not ready to decide but I have to, after this weekend. I just hope that those people who keep telling me they will support me and be there for me with whatever choice I make, WILL LIVE UP TO THAT.

Commitment

$12,000 a year
4 years.
$48,000 saved.

Picking a school, is something I never thought would be so hard, I mean it’s college, and the fact that I am going to college is all that matters. I feel as I am in a constant circle for picking a college when in all reality I have three schools to choose from: Loyola University Chicago, University of Kansas, and California Lutheran University. Three different states and three great schools. They all have their pros and cons, they all have something in store for me if I attend. I realize college is expensive and though some of you may think that my family has “money in the bank”, it certainly does not sum up to the amount to pay for college, make 4 house payments, 2 car payments, and all other bills included. $48,000 is a lot of money, and I realize that it is not something that should be let go of lightly. There are consequences for the decisions I make and I have to deal with all of them. It has come down to the point where I feel money is controlling my life, when in fact the very people who told me money is everything, have suddenly let it come to be the ultimate deciding factor in what I do with my life. I hate it, and I think that is my motive for not wanting Cal Lutheran. I should want a school where I can play softball, have a close relationship with the teachers, be in a safe town, and be minutes away from Hollywood and all other cities people would die to be close to. It is a school near a place where dreams come true or lives get ruined, but in my case, where dreams come true because I am being positive about it.

WHY DON’T I WANT TO GO THERE THOUGH? I say it’s because there is no energy and the atmosphere is just weak to me, but is that really it? I feel as though it really is the money that is controlling my life. It’s funny though because if I were to get into an even better school than Cal Lutheran which is probably Loyola or a different one, with no scholarship then my parents would tell me to go. After talking with that very intelligent older woman in my life, Steph, I realized what the problem is. I will get to that problem later but lets first examine the other school that interest me and not because someone mentioned it to me.

Loyola, wow that would be a fantastic experience wouldn’t it? A city where buildings are much bigger than fives stories, where the streets are always busy and the night is forever young. A city where the leaves change color, snow falls on the ground, and there is vast diversity of people. A place, that is something I have never known, it isn’t California. It isn’t the hourly drive to beach or where the sun is always shining, it is different, it’s an experience. It something different, and something that can help me prove I am ready to start walking a road where I have no idea will lead. It is the first step in my transition of becoming independent, if I stay in California, I will still depend on my parents. I want to prove to them I can survive on my own, something they think I can’t do. I usually don’t take risks but I feel this is the time and place to take them and make something of it. Prove to every person that has told me I won’t survive, that I can and will survive.

So, what is the problem then Ashley, you know what you want and don’t want and you have a decision somewhat sort of made. Thanks to Steph as I said before I know what my problem is. My problem is not that I don’t like the schools I have been accepted to or even that I am holding out for other schools. The problem lies much deeper than that. The words that came out of her mouth into my ear that day have been reverberating every day since then.

“You just aren’t ready to commit to a school yet.”

How right she was. Once I commit to a school, it’s done. I wait until graduation, graduate, go to grad night, enjoy the last few months with the friends I won’t see until breaks, and start my new life. A new chapter. The chapter that I have been afraid of since I was little. It’s the one where I am an adult now. It’s the chapter that I fear I will never finishing writing because I will fail. Every school is perfect for me. The problem is, I am scared.

can i do it?

I am trying so hard to bring up that grade but I feel like I cant. I know I can do this its only a matter of time. I have to get that C just a C that is all I need. I cant believe this happened its freshmen year all over again, same teacher, same course [kind of, not as broad]. I have never been so scared in my life. I believe in myself I really do, but why I do I doubt myself then? For once in my life I wish I didnt have to worry. This is a time where I have no where to run, I can't run. I never thought I would not be able to run away from something but I guess this is the day where my running away from problems stops. It has become hard, it is a challenge, it eats away at me every day but there is no where for me to go. I continue to stress as each day goes by but I know with God on my side I can do this. I have faith in myself I just hope that my faith will get me somewhere. I can do it I know I can.

My mom handed me this book of prayers and other preachings from this pastor. I think I found it perfect for me.

We all face challenges and difficult times. God doesn't send these storms, but it's in times of difficulty that we grow and become stronger. It is an opportunity to allow God's Word to come alive in your life and see you through to victory. You can't run from everything that's hard in your life and expect God to deliver you immediately. God uses these challenges to stretch you and enlarge your vision.
Remain faithful during your time of adversity. Make up your mind to serve God no matter what comes against you, and God will honor you. Fight the good fight of faith. Remember, God will not waste anything you go through in life. You are growing. You are maturing. You are being prepared for promotion. Simpley remain faithful and fight life through. In due season, in God's appointed time, He will promote you to new levels of victory, and you'll live that abundant life that He has promised you!

Lesson 1

As the clock starts ticking away on the last three months of my senior year, it is now the time where everything "she" has taught me needs to be put into practice. I have learned so much over the last 4 months from "her". Every day I await a new intellectual talk with a lesson learned. I don't mind staying up till all hours of the night because I am learning something from it. Most of the time I think she is hurting me with every word that comes out of her mouth. From "stop running away...there you go again" to "be happy", I always felt like she was judging me and trying to change me because she didn't like me the way I was but I realized something. After every story she told me of how I reminded her of herself her senior year, I realized that I am the one that wants to change and I have never had anyone help me along the way to figure out what it is that is wrong with me. There isn't really anything wrong but there are certain things that I do that continue to lead me down and a path of unhappiness. Spending the weekend with my big sister I learned so much more, whether it was in the nicest way or in the harshest way she got her point across to me. Before I could never point out my problems on why I am not happy but now I can thanks to her. With this I have my list of lessons thus far:
1. Stop running away from your problems; when it gets hard take the challenge and do all you can do to over come it, if you fail you get back never run away, it will never get you anywhere. The world is only so big, eventually you will have no where to run.
2. Let go of the past; give them a second chance, they are proving to you now more than ever how much they love you even though they were always gone. Take their compliments when they say they are proud of you, say "I love you too", and most of all cherish them because you never know what will happen after you leave to college.
3. Most of all, the one thing you learned this weekend as you so often didn't do it, LIVE FOR THE MOMENT. Stop thinking about tomorrow and live today, the basis of your stress is your constant thought for tomorrow; what about today? You haven't had a successful day if you constantly think about the future. The more you think about the future the more it scares you and the less meaningful memories you will have. You can always change your future; you can't change your past.