It's Too Late To Apologize...

I learned that tonight, didn't think it was true, but yes, sometimes it just is too late to apologize. I wish I could be her little again, I wish I could change everything I did wrong. I wish I could just learn to appreciate her more. She deserves so much more than I have given her lately. She gave me everything, and I have given her nothing. But as I learned from her blogs, the past is the past, I have to accept it. I don't get it though lately, I have had my friends tell me the nicest things about me and how they are glad that they met me or that I am in their life. It's heart-warming, but I am not the compliment taker, which my friends from home know, and I think my friends at school are slowly catching on, after I piss them off a few times of course. If I am such an amazing friend how could I have screwed up the one constant friend in my life, the one that made a difference in my life? How? Why? Is it because I was so caught up in my new life? Maybe? Or is it because I just really was over the valley? There is no reason for this, just pure stupidity on my part. I was able to make her miserable enough to let go of me. Why on earth would anyone want to be friends with me if I am just going to do that to them. I think I am used to getting hurt myself though. Trust is a serious issue these days thanks to ex-friends from high school. They really screwed me up but I am slowly coming back. As Kara was staying here during spring break it was the greatest feeling in the world to hear her say that I am "one of those people that will do anything for someone" and for once, I agreed with a compliment. I do, it usually kicks me in the ass later but I do it still. I am determined to prove to Elysia that I am still the friend that she expects out of me. I let her lose faith in me no matter how much she tries to deny it. I lost faith in myself, which is a very bad thing to let happen. She means the world to me, and she doesn't even know it. Sometimes I just think she is better off without me, because I can be someone holding her back from the amazing things she was meant to do here on earth while she lives. I am so proud to call her my big, my mentor, the one that I hope to be like. Tonight, I said sorry, but it was too late to apologize, and all I have left to say is, yes I have changed, I am not needy anymore, but you are still the one constant in my life. Thank you for everything you have done for me, I couldn't have asked for a more amazing friend.