Commitment

$12,000 a year
4 years.
$48,000 saved.

Picking a school, is something I never thought would be so hard, I mean it’s college, and the fact that I am going to college is all that matters. I feel as I am in a constant circle for picking a college when in all reality I have three schools to choose from: Loyola University Chicago, University of Kansas, and California Lutheran University. Three different states and three great schools. They all have their pros and cons, they all have something in store for me if I attend. I realize college is expensive and though some of you may think that my family has “money in the bank”, it certainly does not sum up to the amount to pay for college, make 4 house payments, 2 car payments, and all other bills included. $48,000 is a lot of money, and I realize that it is not something that should be let go of lightly. There are consequences for the decisions I make and I have to deal with all of them. It has come down to the point where I feel money is controlling my life, when in fact the very people who told me money is everything, have suddenly let it come to be the ultimate deciding factor in what I do with my life. I hate it, and I think that is my motive for not wanting Cal Lutheran. I should want a school where I can play softball, have a close relationship with the teachers, be in a safe town, and be minutes away from Hollywood and all other cities people would die to be close to. It is a school near a place where dreams come true or lives get ruined, but in my case, where dreams come true because I am being positive about it.

WHY DON’T I WANT TO GO THERE THOUGH? I say it’s because there is no energy and the atmosphere is just weak to me, but is that really it? I feel as though it really is the money that is controlling my life. It’s funny though because if I were to get into an even better school than Cal Lutheran which is probably Loyola or a different one, with no scholarship then my parents would tell me to go. After talking with that very intelligent older woman in my life, Steph, I realized what the problem is. I will get to that problem later but lets first examine the other school that interest me and not because someone mentioned it to me.

Loyola, wow that would be a fantastic experience wouldn’t it? A city where buildings are much bigger than fives stories, where the streets are always busy and the night is forever young. A city where the leaves change color, snow falls on the ground, and there is vast diversity of people. A place, that is something I have never known, it isn’t California. It isn’t the hourly drive to beach or where the sun is always shining, it is different, it’s an experience. It something different, and something that can help me prove I am ready to start walking a road where I have no idea will lead. It is the first step in my transition of becoming independent, if I stay in California, I will still depend on my parents. I want to prove to them I can survive on my own, something they think I can’t do. I usually don’t take risks but I feel this is the time and place to take them and make something of it. Prove to every person that has told me I won’t survive, that I can and will survive.

So, what is the problem then Ashley, you know what you want and don’t want and you have a decision somewhat sort of made. Thanks to Steph as I said before I know what my problem is. My problem is not that I don’t like the schools I have been accepted to or even that I am holding out for other schools. The problem lies much deeper than that. The words that came out of her mouth into my ear that day have been reverberating every day since then.

“You just aren’t ready to commit to a school yet.”

How right she was. Once I commit to a school, it’s done. I wait until graduation, graduate, go to grad night, enjoy the last few months with the friends I won’t see until breaks, and start my new life. A new chapter. The chapter that I have been afraid of since I was little. It’s the one where I am an adult now. It’s the chapter that I fear I will never finishing writing because I will fail. Every school is perfect for me. The problem is, I am scared.

can i do it?

I am trying so hard to bring up that grade but I feel like I cant. I know I can do this its only a matter of time. I have to get that C just a C that is all I need. I cant believe this happened its freshmen year all over again, same teacher, same course [kind of, not as broad]. I have never been so scared in my life. I believe in myself I really do, but why I do I doubt myself then? For once in my life I wish I didnt have to worry. This is a time where I have no where to run, I can't run. I never thought I would not be able to run away from something but I guess this is the day where my running away from problems stops. It has become hard, it is a challenge, it eats away at me every day but there is no where for me to go. I continue to stress as each day goes by but I know with God on my side I can do this. I have faith in myself I just hope that my faith will get me somewhere. I can do it I know I can.

My mom handed me this book of prayers and other preachings from this pastor. I think I found it perfect for me.

We all face challenges and difficult times. God doesn't send these storms, but it's in times of difficulty that we grow and become stronger. It is an opportunity to allow God's Word to come alive in your life and see you through to victory. You can't run from everything that's hard in your life and expect God to deliver you immediately. God uses these challenges to stretch you and enlarge your vision.
Remain faithful during your time of adversity. Make up your mind to serve God no matter what comes against you, and God will honor you. Fight the good fight of faith. Remember, God will not waste anything you go through in life. You are growing. You are maturing. You are being prepared for promotion. Simpley remain faithful and fight life through. In due season, in God's appointed time, He will promote you to new levels of victory, and you'll live that abundant life that He has promised you!

Lesson 1

As the clock starts ticking away on the last three months of my senior year, it is now the time where everything "she" has taught me needs to be put into practice. I have learned so much over the last 4 months from "her". Every day I await a new intellectual talk with a lesson learned. I don't mind staying up till all hours of the night because I am learning something from it. Most of the time I think she is hurting me with every word that comes out of her mouth. From "stop running away...there you go again" to "be happy", I always felt like she was judging me and trying to change me because she didn't like me the way I was but I realized something. After every story she told me of how I reminded her of herself her senior year, I realized that I am the one that wants to change and I have never had anyone help me along the way to figure out what it is that is wrong with me. There isn't really anything wrong but there are certain things that I do that continue to lead me down and a path of unhappiness. Spending the weekend with my big sister I learned so much more, whether it was in the nicest way or in the harshest way she got her point across to me. Before I could never point out my problems on why I am not happy but now I can thanks to her. With this I have my list of lessons thus far:
1. Stop running away from your problems; when it gets hard take the challenge and do all you can do to over come it, if you fail you get back never run away, it will never get you anywhere. The world is only so big, eventually you will have no where to run.
2. Let go of the past; give them a second chance, they are proving to you now more than ever how much they love you even though they were always gone. Take their compliments when they say they are proud of you, say "I love you too", and most of all cherish them because you never know what will happen after you leave to college.
3. Most of all, the one thing you learned this weekend as you so often didn't do it, LIVE FOR THE MOMENT. Stop thinking about tomorrow and live today, the basis of your stress is your constant thought for tomorrow; what about today? You haven't had a successful day if you constantly think about the future. The more you think about the future the more it scares you and the less meaningful memories you will have. You can always change your future; you can't change your past.