Never Falling Short of Disappointment

Just when I thought, giving them a chance to prove to me things would be different, they still prove to me that in my final months before I leave, they truly can’t make time for me. It’s funny because Elysia has always asked me many times before for important things in my life, “Why don’t you invite your parents?” This is exactly why: for some reason, if I include them, they always have something more important to do. All I wanted was my mom to be there with me for my pictures, I mean, that’s what she is supposed to do right? Be there to help me get ready and change outfits and fix them for me. These are my SENIOR PORTRAITS….why is it so difficult for her to be there. It is a good thing they are pictures, because then she would miss it all together wouldn’t she. So as though I am making it sound like she wasn’t there, she was very much so. The fact that she left early was understandable but to come home to, “Now your sister is mad at me because I am late for the candle meeting [being held at our house] because you wouldn’t let me leave, I can never please both of you.” That was the last straw I had it. I am sick and tired of my sister doing this, she has her own life, her own family, she got all of the attention until she went to college, can I just have what’s left of “my time”. NO of course not! I seriously stood up to my mom this time, and yea sure I should not have said it but I did, I said, “Yea, well sorry, I just thought maybe this was more important, did you mention your OTHER daughter is graduating soon.” I mean, I guess it’s not that important. I am sorry that I ruin your plans, and that I need your help. When I need your help you complain and don’t have time, when you want to give me help, I don’t want it. It’s a continuous circle. Person after person, including my own family says go to Chicago, you know the more they say it the more I think they are just pushing me away. I don’t need to go to Chicago for you to push me away, I can be pushed as far as LA. I don’t need people who don’t need me. I mean, as for my family, that is a lost cause, they pushed me away in seventh grade when it didn’t seem important to pick me up from school on time, or getting home before it got dark. Showing up to softball games, that became unlikely. Even driving me to them, that was a joke. Wow, I remember when they took me to every softball game and practice and watched every game, always there. They never let anything get in the way of watching me play. What happened? We moved to a place where work suddenly became more important to my parents, so “I could have everything I have.” I would F****** take it all back to have what I use to have, but guess what its too late, I await being disappointed.

The Time Is Coming.

Oh great, I have to pick a college soon.
Definitely not super down!
Ugh. =[
Sadness.
I am thinking....pick one out of a hat? What do you think? Haha.
Seriously. Lets seeeeeeeeeeee...........
choices:
Loyola Chicago
Cal Lutheran
CSU Long Beach
IRVINE COLLEGE! lol.

hmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

i go with....idk. haha.

ima throw em in a hat? yea? sounds good to me!

oh boy....
ine minnie minee mo....

haha. ok im done... i just laugh at all of this now...hahahaha.
like dis.


AHHHHHHAHAHAHAHA [thats the deena laugh, some know it others dont]

annnnd ha ha [thats the elysia laugh online]

the ashley laugh goes.

LMAO [online]
or..

giggle giggle laugh laugh LAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHH haha.

wow this def the most random non deep blog i have ever written but guess what??
iiiiiii doooooooonnnnnnnnt caaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrreee!

Big One

Please stop saying sorry.
I should be saying sorry.
I am the one that has made you feel this way because you feel obligated to help me. If you are tired of giving me advice, don't. If you feel like you are letting me down, please don't. You have yet to let me down this year. I might as well just call you my best friend but its stronger than that. The more you tell me sorry the more I feel like I made you feel bad or something. Please don't be sorry. These are my problems, my decisions, my future, and YOUR FEELINGS AND OPINIONS matter to me a lot more than you think.

Sacrifice

The past week has been like hell for me, as if I have reached the bright orange and red sixty foot flames surrounding me in a confined space. It never really crossed my mind that I would suddenly find it difficult to be so selfish in my decision making. I have never been more influenced by some of my best friends as I have the past week. I feel as though that if they influence me then they will forever be here for me and nothing will change once we are off to college. That is not the truth though is it? The truth is, we will all change, we will all go our different ways for our adventure and to better ourselves. Some of us may take opportunity no matter how far away it is and some of us will not take that opportunity. Taking opportunity comes with its advantages and disadvantages just as much as not taking an opportunity. I find it necessary to look at both these situations. Where will I be most happy? I will forever be the happiest when I can confine myself in front of my closest friends when I want to see them, whether that be a twenty minute or a half an hour drive. I want to keep my friends and my life the way it is now, I do not want to lose these amazing people. A great opportunity lies before me and I am scared to take that opportunity by the reins and see where I can take myself because I feel that the risk of never seeing these people again is not worth it. What if I take this opportunity and still have those very meaningful late night chats on AIM with my close friends, the ones I long for each night? What if I take this opportunity and lose those meaningful chats? How unhappy will I be? It is something I can never know unless I experience it. Maybe there wouldn’t be a difference in my feelings or character either way. If I let this opportunity pass me by I may never get the chance again. It is quite possible I could regret it later, but then again:

“At one point in our life, we regret everything we did.”

Or so I have been told. At the moment I do not know where I want to spend the next four years of my life, I have some idea of where I want to be but again, the risk is way high. If I go far away when I come home it seems like I will only have time for my family and never see those four special people in my life. I am so used to talking to them every day of my life at any moment and calling them and saying “Hey, I need help” or “hey, I really need to see you” and BAM they are there in a heartbeat. Some of them are very good at making me think that if I go far away things won’t be the same, and that is by far my biggest influence. In fact, they just proved it to me right now. If I don’t take this opportunity because I want to see the people that mean so much to me and in the end I don’t I will have a lot of regret in my life. I can make the best of wherever I attend but I feel as though the options in California are not as great as the one in Chicago. I feel like when I attempt to apply to law school from California I will not get where I want but if I go to Chicago then I will. As much as some say the name is not important, I know that it is important. The better the undergrad school the better the graduate school. At this point I feel I am putting my future on the line, and that is not something I want to do. I am growing closer to my family than I thought I would. I have not argued with my parents in a long time, it almost feels unreal, and I have suddenly become very attached to my niece and my sister has been a sister to me finally. I am so much more attached to those four girls in my life that have always been there when I needed them the most. One was there for me through my first break up after a nine month relationship. Another one has been there since freshmen year day after day and I can call her parents MY parents, they are Mom and Dad to me. The third one, is my other half who I recently discovered how much we are alike when we randomly went to lunch at CPK. The fourth is the most important [yes the MOST important] and the one that I am MOST scared of losing. She is the one that has taught me everything about life this year; she has guided me through a lot of hard times and has grown on me faster than any of my other friends. It is not to say I don’t love the other three but those relationships grew over time and respect and trust was gained over years. This girl, has earned my trust, respect, and friendship in just a this year. I don’t even remember when we became so close since we were so distant playing softball together, but she is the closest. I know you are reading this probably after you said you didn’t want to talk anymore tonight, but I am not saying I am most scared of losing you in an insulting way, I am saying because of how fast we became so close that I feel it could all be taken away just as fast. No, I am not basing my college choice off of her at all, I am basing it off of my family, my friends, and how well do I really know myself.

I have come to realize that I disliked cal Lutheran so much it was almost like I HAD to like Loyola, but at the same time I really do love the school. Maybe I feel like it’s the best way to go because I don’t picture myself at cal Lutheran. I have always felt like I would be letting myself down if I went to a Cal State, but maybe its not that bad after all. At every school I will have to sacrifice something, it is not a matter of where I want to go, it is a matter of who or what I am willing to sacrifice. Do I sacrifice the student life of a school? Or do I sacrifice having a small class size? Or do I sacrifice, my family and friends? Something has got to go, this by far, is something I am not ready to decide but I have to, after this weekend. I just hope that those people who keep telling me they will support me and be there for me with whatever choice I make, WILL LIVE UP TO THAT.