Isn't it scary how you never expect to lose the friends you do and have such little faith in the ones that no matter what are never going to go away? I find myself getting angry at the fact that I considered my best friend to be the first person to stop talking to me and forgetting about when, wow, she is the only person I can turn to that understands my hectic life, that is okay with us not talking every day like we used to non stop, that just accepts that we are in different positions and just learning to adjust our friendship to that situation. In fact, this very girl, came to my school on a whim, just to give me a hug because, "she could sense I needed one". And she could not have come at a more perfect time!
My life hasn't been the most understanding lately. I have been so confused on every aspect of it from where I want to take my life after college to friends, and to accepting the way things are. The last thing on my mind lately is school and that is not good at all. I am so caught up in coping with the fact that the one person who was a major part of my high school life is no longer in my life for the stupidest reason. Lauren, how on earth did things get this way? Yea I can say I don't think about her on most days in my life, but on the days I do, she is all I can think about. I become extremely upset and just wonder how I let things get this way. Is it my fault for getting close to someone who asked me to be around them. Wanted me around them. Believe me I didn't invite myself to Irvine, I was always begged to go visit. I was never though, begged to hang out with her. She was caught up in her love life, and I was caught up in dealing with college. She wasn't around but Elysia was. I can't sit here and say Elysia is the reason that we are no longer friends, but jealousy did take control and I never saw that one coming. Maybe her bringing up the smallest things was her way of trying to let go of me before college easier, her way of coping with the situation? Who knows. All I know is, I miss her. I am tired of saying sorry, no one has said sorry. We talk, and when we do, she acts like nothing ever happened, but me, I can't do that. Thanksgiving break is coming up, we will see what happens. This is something that has been plaguing me with pain the last month of school and I just can't take it anymore.
On a brighter note, I am glad Elysia sees that I am growing up. It sucks, I know she doesn't like it, but guess what I DON'T EITHER!!! Growing up is my biggest fear in life, I feel like I don't know what I am doign with my life and that I am going to screw it up. In fact, Beth that lovely peer adviser of mine, yelled at me to stop thinking about my life lol. I know what I want do in life after college but what major do I want out of it, is this double major too hard. It sucks having a room mate tell me that I shouldn't be a Poli Sci major and be a comm major because it's easy. Hi, I am Ashley and knowing I would not be great at IB I did it anyway. I find that a challenge is the only real way to learn in life. I just hate not having support at this "home". It sucks. I wish people would stop thinking I am insane for double majoring in two of the most time consuming majors available at school, but it's something I am passionate about nd just want to be supported. ANywho that didn't really relate to Elyisa, but even though we aren't talking twenty four seven like normal, for some reason I feel more connected to her now than ever before. I think I know why too. Everything she has taught me I put into use every day whether it be sharing what I learned from her with other people are putting it to practice in my dailty life. It is really weird giving people advice because it always encompasses what I was told. I feel like I am such a great person today because of her. She has definitely changed my life, and because of her, I was able to grow up into the person I am now, and because of her, so many people have found that amazing Ashley that she sees in me too. I am not used to people loving me so much, it's weird people telling me I am awesome after fifteen minutes of conversation with me. I love that Elysia helped me become that much more positive and looking out for her happiness girl that everyone else here seems to love. So in light of the holiday spirit, I want to give thanks to God for bringing her into my life.
