I knew it...

Things are changing...
they have been changing, i knew they were going to change, but for some reason I believed that they would not. I mean not at least until I left for college, but it's all changing right before my very eyes. Maybe I am wrong, maybe it's not changing but I feel like I am being pushed away. I hate that feeling, I know I say the wrong things sometimes but I don't know I am just so scared lately and the one person I need is not here. Graduation has officially scared the crap out of me after watching my fellow OLPHers and new friends I met along the way, graduate tonight. It has made me realize that it's here, the moment I have been excited for all year, I'm suddenly wishing would go away. I have endured so much more than I should have this year, but then again I guess that means I will always remember it among the drama, the homework, the tests, and the goals never reached...I am done. Among the friends that stabbed me the ones that I have known for four years, and the new friends I made this year the Big being the best person I could have by my side and Danni being that new friend in my life I am glad to have. It's all changing though, I'm pushing people away and I believe someone is pushing me away because I am going to college. It didn't matter what college I chose in the end, I think it was going to happen this way anyway, I knew it would and that's part of the reason why I tried choosing Chicago, but you know what I am happy with Cal Lutheran. Oh so very happy about my decision and no one can take that away from me. I hate the fact that I feel like the most important person is pushing me away, I am sure she is not but that is just how it's been feeling lately. The lovely blonde one [you'll never figure it out because I have a lot of blonde friends], well she needs to suck it up already, and realize the ex is a douche and stop taking it out on me because its making the last days of high school hell between us and I don't like that at all. I want things to work out and I want people to be able to talk to me the same but lately they havent been and its proving to me that I was right all along, they will be here, but they wont be here on command like they have been, the routine is gone. I stay up late and I notice it is all gone. What Routine? THE routine. It's non-existent now and that's what hurts the most, and that's the reason that I will cry at graduation, because that means its done.

Don't get me wrong Ill meet new people but they will never be able to replace some people, and the sad part is, they will have to fill the gaps. Right now I am completely unhappy but I promise it will get better. This week has been the worst for me, because I hate realizing things like this. Its better now than later though.

Thanks for letting me rant, if this offends you in away its not meant to do that. In fact, it's not even to convey a message it's simply thoughts overwhelming me that I need to relieve myself of.

-Ashley