Respect.

Over time, we will respect someone that we do not particularly like, but tolerance of that person allows for your own personal growth as a person. It teaches you who not to be like and tolerate those that are like that in the future.

Over the years many have found it impossible to respect let alone appreciate a particular person in the spring. It has come to my attention that respect is not easily gained. Yes, I know there are people that respect me and I respect a whole lot of people as well. I most definitely never had respect for this lady. She made my life a living hell or so I thought. In fact, she has made everyone's lives a living hell according to them. Truth of the matter is, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. She can make comments all she wants about the way you do things, but only you can let it affect you. No one wants to see her next year, no one wants to play for her next year. Today I got the, "you are so lucky you are a senior". I guess I am lucky in their eyes. I don't consider it lucky, because I want to be there when they win next year. Yea practice wasn't always enjoyable nor did we really learn anything but in a way, it's helped me grow as a softball player. This season I have learned just to take in everything being said to me, and just continue to do what I do, proving those that think I can't wrong. I also learned to respect her. Not out of fear, or finally liking her, but because even though she never taught me a single thing, her ways taught me to teach myself, be proud of myself and I learned that I am not going to always get praised when I do well. I know when I do well and whether or not she notices does not matter. I've learned to respect her because no matter what, she is the coach and there is nothing I can change about that. To keep dwelling on it this late in the season will not only make practice worse, but less enjoyable, the minute I started to have a respect for her, is the minute when softball became more enjoyable. I give my 110% like she asks, I work hard, and I play harder. Like another coach once told me and the rest of the team, "Remember this is your game, not hers, you make the calls and you don't let anyone else take control of your attitudes." It's true. What is the point in dwelling on the fact that she doesn't correct us when we do something wrong or show us how to do the things she asks? There isnt. Today is when I realized that I just have to do what she asks and hope for the best. Today I learned to have fun again. Today was the day I was noticed by the coaches as being at the peak of my season. Today is the day where I realized that I had respect for someone I never thought possible. She is not my friend, she is not even someone I really like talking to, but she has earned my respect for her. I just wish that the rest of the girls would see that the more they make comments about our situation or how they don't want her here next year, the less and less enjoyable their passion will be for the sport they have loved for so many years. I have hated softball since sophomore year, and finally I am enjoying it once again. Yea, it may have taken all season but I am glad it did, had I quit when I said I was, I would have never gotten to experience all the fun I have had with my young girls on the team. I will cherish every moment they made me laugh and times we spent together. I wouldn't take them back for anything.

Respect is by far one of the greatest things you can give to a person, whether they know they have it or not.

Part 2 - The People

There is one woman in my life that has been like a sister to me, in due time, I found it really hard to not talk to her every day. She taught me a lot about life, and things that she had learned, I enjoyed talking to her before volleyball games, and during class. I saw her for a majority of the first four months of my senior year. Before school, during school, and after school there she was, door open always willing to have a conversation with me. She was in my life for a season, for some unknown reason, God wanted her to part from me in the middle of the year. God blessed her with the most adorable child ever, Aubrie Mae, and then he sent her husband to a job back in Kansas. Now, I knew that baby was going to come and that she would be leaving school for a while, but the Kansas news was very shocking to me. Not only did she never tell me but it was the worst thing I had ever heard. I felt like a knife had just been stuck in my heart. I sat there trying to enjoy the last months we would have together, and thinking oh she will be back before the school year ends, the school year is at its end and she isn’t coming back. For once, I had found someone that I could talk to openly and freely about anything that was bothering me. I could cry in front of her if I wanted to, not that I ever did. She was there for me and I was there for her. It actually came to the point where I refused to do things for her because she decided to be a jerk. The daily jokes about my ex and how she uses just to “get a reaction out of me because it makes her laugh”, were something I grew accustomed to.

Steph, oh my, I will never forget the day we spent together before I left for Notre Dame and the day before you had the baby. You and I went and walked the track and talked after school. We spent at least 3 hours together after school that day. Talking about my relationship with my family and how I wanted to fix it and how its not nearly perfect. I didn’t really expect that to be the last day I saw her at school, but it was. I told her not to have Aubrie until I got back from Notre Dame but no, she had her two days later! The best part was when she called me when I was about to turn off my phone on the plane and I said “Hi” and she said “What are you doing?” and I said “I am on the plane” and then she yelled at me and said “OMG, what are you doing answering you are supposed to have your phone off! Turn off your phone!” and then I told her, “I was just about to but you called me so I answered.” Then she laughed at me and said “Ok, well I was just calling back but call me when you land so I know you are safe and have a great time!” Oh man, what a great person she is, I miss her so much and I wish she was here for me right now, because she always had the right advice for me and I always felt better after talking to her. I wouldn’t have had my senior year any other way, without her I’d be more lost now than I was to begin with.

There are three more girls in my life where I am not quite sure where they fit yet, The relationships I have with them are ones that I have learned to appreciate and never take for granted. They have put up with me no matter what even when they felt that I would never change. These three girls have helped me through so much that they made me appreciate friendships more than ever this year. I learned what being a good friend in return has for you.

This girl made the Ashley that stands before you today, she changed the way she looks, and dresses and pretty much taught me how to have a good time. I sat there watching Lauren struggle through her junior year, and trying to be the best friend I could to her. Watching the girls she had been friends with all through high school continually stab her in the back was so devastating to her that I could not stand watching her cry or be as miserable as she was. I tried so hard to be there for when she needed me and let her vent to me on the phone. When things came to the point of authorities in the middle of it, I helped her, my dad helped her, it’s when I realized that one day, she would do the same for me. I have constantly watched out for her and never turned my back on her. This year, she found herself in my position, this year our friendship was taken to a whole new level. During the summer I experienced my first break up, and when I say Lauren was there for it, I mean, she was literally on the phone with me five minutes before it all happened telling me what to say and how to say it. Then the minute it was done, I called her and she was already at her house waiting for me. She came home from a party, just to help me get through it all. She dragged me out of my bed the next night and took me driving with her friend that was visiting and we drove and rocked out to music, all because she wanted me happy. This girl, helped me survive this summer and all of my senior year, she made me realize the things I didn’t want to realize about friends and ones that I thought were my friends, our roles had switched. She was now watching me struggle. She watched me deal with the hardships of a first break up and the drama that went a long with. She was there with the backstabbing friends that I had been friends with for year. She never failed to come over after her long nights at work just to watch a movie or tv or just plain out talk. It was fun, this year has been fun with her, just me and her. We sit there through fifth period doing nothing but talking then going out after school to golden spoon or to her house for some “bomb quesadillas” haha. Life with Lauren by my side made this senior year bearable. Even when we were not hanging out on the weekends the phone calls for the “catching up” times was always fun. Spending the night. Hanging out. Doing that secret thing before the big CIF Finals [no one knows still so yea it’s a secret]. Football game. Watching her cheer. Lauren Turner is just that friend I can always have a good time with. I like going to her house and spending time with her and her mom and dad who always make me laugh. I enjoy laughing about the past with her and just plain out making fun of her. We just have this friendship where we can be such bitches to each other in the nicest way. Or as I like to put it sometimes….

That’s just the way it is with Lauren. Whether we are out partying, sitting at our houses eating and watching a movie, or just driving around randomly we never fail to have a good time. Sure we have our little moments when we both get on each others back because of certain things we have no control over but it doesn’t mean we hate each other. I love that her and I are such good friends, when I never though I would be friends with some one like her. Miss bubbly bobbling head blonde haired cheerleader that shops at Hollister. Oh man, to think she would be my best friend. Sheesh. Haha. I love it. All I gotta say is she is here for a lifetime, her mommy said so. “Lauren you and Ashley are going to be friends forever I can see it” Almost everyone says that and I absolutely love it. I pray that she stays here for a lifetime, but I have no control over the future, well I do but she gives me hints that she is going to miss me more than I thought, and it’s the most reassuring thing ever. She finally supports my decision if I choose to leave to Chicago which shows to me that she will be here supporting me for as long as I stay supporting her and believe me Lauren is one of those friends I don’t plan to lose. I love her to death and forever we will be *AL* =].

OMG, what to say about this lovely lady friend of mine. She has been my friend since freshmen year the day we met in PE and volleyball. We of course have had our ups and downs and still do till this day but we love each other oh so very much. She is my family and I am her family. We eat, sleep, and make a mess at each others houses all the time. She is my best friend. I wouldn’t have our friendship any other way, she is completely honest with me and I am completely honest with her. I call her my best friend for those reasons exactly. We know how to have a good time together and if we need a shoulder to cry on we give each other a call. We refuse to let each other be sad when we are in the presence of each other. Never is there a dull moment when we are together. Whether we are TPing, forking, partying, shopping, watching a movie, or smoking the hookah, we are having a random crazy time. I admire Gen more than she knows, she is by far one of the strongest girls I have ever been friends with. She has experienced a lot in her life such as illnesses that I am glad she has overcome and has finally moved on from them. What she experienced is something that is very difficult to deal with and I am glad that she will never go through that again. I have never been one to like hearing the truth but with Gen it’s become expected. She always tells me what I know is true but don’t ever want to admit. If it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be able to get through some of the stuff at school. According to Steph, “Don’t worry about where Gen is, she is always going to be here for you because I can see the bond between you guys.” It is so reassuring to hear that. It is reassuring that one of the most important girls in high school and the other one, I have been told are always going to be around. Life with Gen has been great. She is going to have crazy fun in college that I wish I could be a part of, but hey I’ll be doing my own thing too. After our crazy weekends those Sunday phone calls to share stories will always be quite eventful. And of course, we will have to meet up with her teeny tiny hookah to relax together. Gen is pretty much a necessity in my life, not talking to her every day is going to be devastating but I think we can make it. I mean we already started discussing her wedding and how I am going to be in it haha. Who will she marry? I don’t know but she knows they have to pass the Ashley test, and then I can give her the right hand motion [inside joke]. I intend to keep on working on the relationship I have with her forever and that we will always keep in touch. We have been through the hard parts of the friendship and now its just friends from here on out. My lifetime buddy is going to Cal Poly SLO, I am going, …somewhere. She will always be in my heart and she says I will always be in hers. When we both come home to visit, we already know there are days designated just for the two of us, and that, is what keeps me happy knowing we will always see each other on breaks. Gen and I have this motto that keeps us going through life and it’s this:

LIVE LIFE BY THE RIGHT HAND NOT THE LEFT.

Now, there is one more special girl in my life. She is by far the definition of a necessity. She has helped me grow and change and learn so much about myself and life. She has made me a better a person, and continues to make me feel special every day. If I need help she is there, if I need advice she is there. She has been everything I could ask for in a friend. She has helped me better understand things that I never thought I could understand. She made me realize that it doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks. She taught me that in the end it’s my happiness that matters most, so I need to do what makes me happy and stop worrying about pleasing other people. She took the time to listen always listening and always helping even though she probably could have been doing something more important or entertaining, but instead she chose to help me. She forced me to stop running away from my problems and understand that one day I would run out of places to run, and I did. She saw things that none of my other friends saw, for example how distant I was from my parents and my family. She made me realize a lot about my relationship with my family and how something needed to be done about fast, so I worked on it. She is someone that I learned to trust within in months of talking, someone that I built a strong relationship with faster than anyone I have every known, and she is someone that I am deathly scared of losing. I don’t know why she and I became so close but she taught me just to take it for what it is. Stop questioning why someone comes into your life or why someone cares about you so much, just accept it and enjoy it. I never in a million years thought we would be this close, how we started talking we both still don’t understand till this day. I look forward to the midnight talks and using the excuse “but it’s Elysia.” I love when she texts me when she is in the valley and asks if I am home or what I am doing because in Elysia words that means I am going to come over soon. I love going to Irvine to spend time with her even if we just sit in her dorm doing nothing or we talk about life, and her all time favorite subject “the A”. She is so much smarter and experienced so much more about life and has so much to offer to the world it amazes me, she is just, the Big One, just Elysia:

She is the only one that understands why this process about college has been so hard for me, and she has been there every step of the way to help me. She made me realize things about Chicago and about Cal Lutheran, and she knows I have a decision to make. She knows how in love I am with Loyola but she also knows how in love I am with my friends, and she knows she is part of the reason, but she was the first one to tell me, to do what I want because I have to be happy. She was the first one to say, “I need to stop being selfish” I will definitely remember that night. She has grown on me, and I have definitely grown on her [you know its true]. As much as I try to understand why the heck God put her in my life like he did and had her grow on me when I am trying to leave, I will never understand. What I do understand is this, she doesn’t make promises she can’t keep, she doesn’t promise that things will be the same if I leave and I am sure she doesn’t promise that they will be the same if I stay, but she does promise me this, she will try her heart out whether or not they do or don’t is a mystery. I’m scared that she is only here for a reason, that reason being teaching me everything I have learned, and I am scared that once she is done teaching, for whatever reason the friendship will just drift away, but it’s assuring to hear “Ashley, you have become quite the necessity…” and gives me all the more reason to just accept the fact that she is here and just take it for what it is. Sometimes I wish I knew just how to thank her, and just tell her how much I appreciate her, and everything she does for me, but I have never been that good at expressing it let alone showing it. She knows that. I was hoping that maybe this would be able to explain how much I appreciate her, but I am sure no one will still quite understand. Just know that some day, I will be able to find a way to thank her, but for now, I am just going to live for the moment and take it for what it is, two things she has constantly stressed to me. Two things, that I will take with me everywhere, and two sayings that I will always remember and tell other people, My Big taught me that one, she is the most amazing person I have ever met, maybe one day you will be lucky enough to meet her, beucase I know I sure was and I thank God for that every day!

Part 1 - Relationships

When someone comes into your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason, you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season!LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (any way); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

I find this to be ever so true. When I first read it about two months ago, I was like yea I guess that’s true, but I never really sat there to analyze the friendships and people that are still here and the ones that have left. There are a few people I can probably categorize at the moment, some may find that they don’t like their category whereas others will accept the category I have chosen for them and they understand it. The ones that understand, truly understand themselves and the relationship we have.

Amazing

Wow, this weekend was by far the best one. I haven't had a weekend all to myself in such a long time. I mean, I hadn't been the movies since, I can't even remember. I haven't pulled the leave the house at 7:20am and dont get home till 2am the next day bit in forever. Friday I got to school then left to the softball game at palm springs, from the game I went to the Indio softball game, then from that game I left to the movies at the River to see Spiderman 3 with Danni and Gen. Took Danni home and was at home at 2am. Oh man it was great! I forgot how much fun doing that with friends was. It made me realize how much softball has taken control of my life. I really really enjoyed myself friday night and man saturday was just as good. Getting ready for prom was fun, getting my nails done and picking out shoes in under 20 minutes from the store, I must say that takes some serious skill. HAH. Then going home hopping in the shower and blow drying my hair and then having the Big one do my hair! She did an amazing job and I had fun while she did my hair and make up. Then off to Jackie's house where the limo was picking us up and off to prom. Oh boy how much fun I had. I loved this weekend and I will remember it forever! Today I will sit back and enjoy my time off and remember how awesome all of my friends were last night from eating at McDonalds to watching my favorite bitch Erin Seto drunk :) I couldn't have asked for a better weekend to put an end to the year. I hope to have many more as the year comes to an end!

It's Coming!

June 14th, 2007

That day is well on its way ever too quickly. I remember when I couldn't wait to get out of this hell of a high school, where drama surrounded me even if I was not involved. Where friends that I had been friends with since freshmen year had become meaningless shit talkers and I no longer cared for. This year started out terrible. I knew there was something wrong when Lauren couldn't stand to be around me. That is how I know I have changed since then. I was not happy at the beginning of the year. Yea sure I had a reason, my heart had been broken, and was continued to be broken through the year. Lauren didn't understand that, and she never will because her and I are two different people with two different personalities, but we completely mesh together well. It was MY senior year, and it was not going as I had planned it. Something I believed that was supposed to be so perfect, was not. September was like I was living in hell and there was no one around to save me. October, a continued hell, with not knowing who I could trust and who the hell was still my friend. Homecoming, I wish I could have another one, because that was by far the worst one. As for November 22, 2006, that was the day I would never forget. It was the day that Darren took Nikko on a date, the same date, that he asked me to be his girlfriend, could the year get any shittier? I believe it did. Darren came to a point of hatred towards me for what reason I have no clue. I didn't talk to him, and I didn't even say anything to him about the situation. I just let it be. December was when everything started to fall in its place. I had my friends back. Well the ones that mattered at least, and I became close to my outside of high school friends because I realized drama doesn't exist there. If I only had the four girls in my life that I talk to all the time now, I would be perfectly happy. The people that have NEVER screwed me over, are the ones that matter to me, and the ones I am going to miss. They are the reason, I am so scared of what is coming in just six short weeks. Six weeks and my daily routine since 2003, is done. It is the scariest thing of my life. I remember when the Big One, said to me that by softball season, everything was going to fly by me and I wasn't going to realize it till it was time. Wow, she was sooo right. I have six weeks left, at least 3 of them are still dedicated to softball. Prom is this weekend, and it is all just going faster than lightning. As soon as these IB Exams are done, school is DONE for IB kids at least. I guess it's all just finally hitting me, finally sinking in. I am on my way to being on my own, not completely because I will more than likely still be here in California, but not seeing my family every day, or my friends. It is all just scaring me. It's like now that it's here, there are so many things I wish I could change, but I guess there is a reason God wanted my senior year this way. I always imagined my senior year perfect, but it was far from that. I cried more this year than I have in my lifetime, and that's a whole lot. It was a year of emotions and cruel intentions from people I thought were my friends. It's made me realize who are the most important in my life and the ones that I can truly call "friends". That term has been used so much for all types of people but now I am learning who I can call my friends, and who I can call my true and best friends. I have friends, I have WAY too many friends, but when it comes to true/best friends, I have four: Gen, Lauren, Elysia, Jessica. 2 in high school, and 2 out of high school. I like it that way, it works. I wouldn't have it any other way. I've learned a lot this year about who you can trust and who you can't trust, it's been one hell of an experience that's for sure. I am sure it won't be over once I get to college either though, but hey what can do you about it? It's a learning process. This year has been the ultimate learning process, I still can't take it all in. There are a few things that I clearly can say I understand now so much better

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1. Take things for what they are. Stop asking your self why, or how come, and stop over analyzing [even though you like to]. Dont question the outcome just accept it. Dont try and fix what you can't, just accept it. It will all be ok in the end.

2. As of today, your ex-bf is not someone you will try to have a friendship with anymore. It's done. He is a jerk, and always has been. Today just ultimately proves to you how fake he is and how he tries to impress everyone. Let's face it. He is going down hill while you are going up, just by the time he realizes it, you will be too busy laughing.

3. Life is what you make of it. If it's shitty make it better. You have control of your life don't let other people have control of it. I hold control of MY happiness [Ty Big One]. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says because in the end I have to do what I want to make myself happy or better yet said number 4 that I learned came from what someone once wrote to me in a card for my 18th birthday :)

4.Always follow YOUR heart and YOUR dreams, because in the end, it's YOUR happiness that matters most. ---my life, my dreams, my happiness, no one can create my life except me I am the only one capable of making what I want to happen, happen.

5. Friends, they come and go. What you do with your life can't be surrounded by them, if you are willing to take the risk and doing that, don't regret it in the end. You know you won't just remember that it is your choice, and you need to....[read #4]

6. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. [Big]

7. You have the capability of being whatever you want to be, what school you didn't get into is not a judgement of you as a human being and what you are capable of doing. No one years from now will remember who got accepted where and who went to school where. Another thing, that white gown you wanted, who is going to remember. Besides it isnt that significant when there are 60 other people wearing it. Besides burgundy works better with your skin tone :)

8. Finally, just enjoy, you never know where the road might lead in the end, where your friends may go or where you may go, cherish the moments forget the losers and their drama and move on to new and better things. Just remember to do someone a favor and "clasp your teeth..." :)