What I Want

Have you ever felt like the world around you had your destiny laid out for you? Like they all believed you were destined to go to that awesome school, be the first one to really make something of yourself, and not be like the rest of the family. I absolutely hate that feeling. I mean, I know it sounds cocky and all but that is exactly how my family is. To them, I have had the upper hand on life compared to them and yea I am not going to lie I have, but why does that define me? I have set up so many goals for myself that I did not accomplish, but honestly, I don’t really think it was ever something I myself really wanted. To be quite honest, sure I would have loved to been admitted to Notre Dame but I wasn’t. Yea I applied to five UC schools, and I didn’t get in. Yes, I was accepted to this school that I am going to now, and apparently it’s a great school, and it gave me $12,000 scholarship a year, but what if it’s not what I want? What if I want something much more simple? What if I baffle everyone’s mind and do the extreme? What if I just walk away from it all and go somewhere no one would ever expect me to go, a community college. What is so bad about them anyways? I always had made them out to be nothing more than a high school with a title on it but I’ve seen so many people come out of COD or any community college for that matter and make something of themselves. Why can’t I do it too? I’ll tell you why! It’s because I’ve always been expected to do better. What’s better though? Isn’t going to college already better than 50% of my high school? Moving out of my house to a different community college with different people a new life on my own, that’s different that 75% of my family. Yea at one point I wanted to these schools but now I just want it something else. Honestly, I feel like I’m settling for Cal Lutheran because why am I going to turn down this “great school that gave me a scholarship” for a community college, because I have better plans! I want to start out small and end big and my first dream school and from there I want to go to Law School, and from there who knows! Sure become an attorney but why stop there?!? No one will understand my logic they will just say, you can do all that with Cal Lutheran, but honestly it’s just not the same. How come everyone gets to pick the campus that when they step foot on it they know that’s where they belong, but me, when I know it doesn’t feel right, I have to do it anyway? For once, I would like the opportunity to just be different, I did what my parents wanted me to in high school but I would like to make my own choices. What I want, is my future to happen the way I want it to happen but you know what, it isn’t going to happen the way I want it because I hate letting people down, and that’s exactly what I would be doing. I would be letting every single person that has expected so much of me down, and that is a much worse feeling than getting those rejection letters from the colleges I was expected to go to. Much worse.

*Ashley*

Accomplished

Some people think graduating is their key to freedom, a new life, new people, and a chance to be the person they never could in high school because of the immaturity they were surrounded by. For me, I remember I couldn't wait to graduate, but that was in December and the months kept going by me faster and faster. I changed within that short time. From September to March, I was running, and graduation was just that drive that kept me going because after I graduated, I would be running even further. I guess it's typical then for every senior to run then isn't it? I mean, why would anyone want to leave a place they called home for four years with friends that they won't be seeing every day? Honestly, anyone who says they can't wait to get out of here is just running, running away from everything they are tired of dealing with. After hearing my fellow classmates on the way home from Senior Ditch Day discuss whether or not they made the best of their four years spent at our high school it made me think. Did I myself make the best of these four years. Was my decision the right one after all? And was it all worth it in the end when I look back on it? To tell you the truth, through out the years I constantly had the agonizing painful regret of "What if I had gone to Indio?", but that's life is it not? We choose a path for a certain reason and we will always wonder what it might have been like had the other path been traveled. Well, to be quite honest, as much as I think Indio was the right place for me after all, there is a reason God led me to La Quinta. As I begin to think about my four years at LQ, I realize how much change and torture I went through. The sleepless nights with endless amounts of homework and studying only to pull off a B, with the friends where there was never a dull moment. What exactly did I make of these four years? I will tell you what I made. I made a well prepared high school graduate ready to take on the world. I made friends. I made mistakes. I played sports. I took the hardest classes knowing I wouldn't get straight As. I took the challenge. I fell in love [or so I thought]. I chose the wrong battles. I won the right battles. I had fun. I got into trouble. I was the listener. I was the advisor. I was the true friend. I was the best friend. I was trusted. I was Ashley. I made the person that stands before you today. Four years ago, I was the quietest person you could find sitting in a classroom. Now, I am one of the loudest. There are so many things I dislike about La Quinta and so much corruption that I went under, that it caused me to have this defined hatred for the school since freshmen year. This hatred continued over the years until I graduated. Was it all really worth it in the end? Yea I had my ups and my downs, and boy let me tell you there were definitely some downs, but that’s what my friends were for. Yea Indio is an amazing school itself and is definitely not given enough credit for, I know I didn’t give it as much as it deserved until two years ago, but the decision I made is La Quinta, for whatever reason it is I chose it. Did I make the most of it? Of course I did. I made the most of every night I got only 3-4 hours sleep. I did everything on campus I could or that I wanted to. I made sure I tried everything I wanted to try. I left that school a well rounded person. I left that school with more knowledge than just what I learned in my IB Classes, I discovered who I was. Discovery is by far the best subject you can learn and I think that’s what made me make the most of La Quinta. I am pretty sure I walked into that school on in September of 2003 scared as ever but saying, “you better make the most of it”. Of all the goals I have had in life, this is by far one of the ones I am most proud of. I told myself to become all I could in high school and I did. My goal to make the most of high school is accomplished, and I couldn’t be more proud of myself. [I know for once right Elyisa?] Now that I accomplished that one, I am off to bigger and better goals to make and fulfill.

*Ashley*

I knew it...

Things are changing...
they have been changing, i knew they were going to change, but for some reason I believed that they would not. I mean not at least until I left for college, but it's all changing right before my very eyes. Maybe I am wrong, maybe it's not changing but I feel like I am being pushed away. I hate that feeling, I know I say the wrong things sometimes but I don't know I am just so scared lately and the one person I need is not here. Graduation has officially scared the crap out of me after watching my fellow OLPHers and new friends I met along the way, graduate tonight. It has made me realize that it's here, the moment I have been excited for all year, I'm suddenly wishing would go away. I have endured so much more than I should have this year, but then again I guess that means I will always remember it among the drama, the homework, the tests, and the goals never reached...I am done. Among the friends that stabbed me the ones that I have known for four years, and the new friends I made this year the Big being the best person I could have by my side and Danni being that new friend in my life I am glad to have. It's all changing though, I'm pushing people away and I believe someone is pushing me away because I am going to college. It didn't matter what college I chose in the end, I think it was going to happen this way anyway, I knew it would and that's part of the reason why I tried choosing Chicago, but you know what I am happy with Cal Lutheran. Oh so very happy about my decision and no one can take that away from me. I hate the fact that I feel like the most important person is pushing me away, I am sure she is not but that is just how it's been feeling lately. The lovely blonde one [you'll never figure it out because I have a lot of blonde friends], well she needs to suck it up already, and realize the ex is a douche and stop taking it out on me because its making the last days of high school hell between us and I don't like that at all. I want things to work out and I want people to be able to talk to me the same but lately they havent been and its proving to me that I was right all along, they will be here, but they wont be here on command like they have been, the routine is gone. I stay up late and I notice it is all gone. What Routine? THE routine. It's non-existent now and that's what hurts the most, and that's the reason that I will cry at graduation, because that means its done.

Don't get me wrong Ill meet new people but they will never be able to replace some people, and the sad part is, they will have to fill the gaps. Right now I am completely unhappy but I promise it will get better. This week has been the worst for me, because I hate realizing things like this. Its better now than later though.

Thanks for letting me rant, if this offends you in away its not meant to do that. In fact, it's not even to convey a message it's simply thoughts overwhelming me that I need to relieve myself of.

-Ashley