Man, graduation just seemed like it was yesterday. Now...I am leaving this place I have called home for 6 years. Here we go again, moving. You know, I was finally warming up to living here and I gotta leave all over again. Now if you think about this logically, you begin making those life long friends at the age of six...ok so I moved when I was twelve. There goes those friends. Then I made some friends again and another six years later we are all off going our separate ways. This is definitely not how I had it planned...but hey that's just part of life not going according to how we wanted it to. I can't sleep lately because there are so many emotions running through me that I can't fall asleep without thinking or freaking out...eventually I'll cry. I have got five days left. With not enough time in the day they will be gone before my very eyes. I have so much to do still and want to spend time with some people very close to me but that just seems like things will be harder. I was always dying to get away from here but at the same time I wanted to bring this place with me. It's like, if we lived wherever I got accepted to a college I would live in the dorm and be happy in college because everything I wanted would still be in the same spot, but guess what...that's not how it goes down. I guess eventually we all gotta leave our safe haven it's whether or not we are ready. A lot of people think that I am ready and that I am very independent...but let me tell you something they are SOOOO wrong. I can be independent when I want to or absolutely have to....and now that time has come. I have to be independent and I have kinda taken those steps this summer to doing that but I got a ways to go. I am ready to have this liberty of being 18 and doing what I want, but I am also scared of it. I am scared of doing things I shouldn't and doing things I'll regret. Yea I am sure my parents will be calling every day all day for the first couple of months but it would be like my mom waiting up for me to get home even if it was three in the morning but that's going to be gone. I will walk into my suite and no one will be sitting on the couch with the TV left on waiting for me. I won't have to wake someone and say "I'm home, I'm going to bed now." As much as I absolutely hated being checked up on and always having to call every time I left somewhere and got somewhere, I'm going to miss it. Not it necessarily but the thought of knowing that my parents are worried [in a good way]/ care about me. I am sure they still will but it's going to be different they have to believe that I am ok and don't need to hear that I am ok every minute of every day. I am going to miss that a lot.
I am excited for the new adventure ahead. College. Something no one in my family did right after high school. I mean yea my dad obviously went to college but not till he was like thirty. My sister never finished but she went to a CC in SD and after high school she went to culinary school then a CC but then she had my adorable niece and never finished. It's funny catching my dad always on the cal lutheran website it actually drives me insane. It's my life now and though he does pay for it...he doesn't need to know what I will be doing 24/7. But hey, that's my dad. It's just him being excited to see his daughter [HIS one and only princesa] off to college. They are proud of me and that's something I should accept instead of it driving me crazy. I mean people at work in the Coffee Bean were saying "Oh you are Ashley!" and I am like uhh yea...and they said yea your mom was in here talking about how you are going off to college and what not...and I just smiled and laughed. My mom tells everyone. I like that. I mean as much as I feel I failed myself, I didn't fail my parents. Their only expectation out of me was to go to a college. What college didn't matter it only mattered to me. This move we made was for my dad and a job but honestly, it was also for me. They knew for me to be successful after high school I needed to be in a city with better education and that was anywhere but Imperial. They think I don't appreciate everything but I really do. I just have a hard time expressing that.
I am ready for it all except, the friends and family part. I have my friends that I care about deeply but there is one in particular that when I think about it...I just feel like crying. My best friend I spent every waking day at school with her this year and in the previous ones. She is the only friend I stuck through thick and thin with since freshmen year. At times we wanted to strangle each other and then there are the memories I will never forget. Her mom and dad were my mom and dad. Her little sister was my little sister and her house was my house. Her mint n chip ice cream was OUR mint n chip ice cream. Volleyball was what we had in common and experiencing life is all that we ever did. I can't stand the thought of her being so far away from me. The thought of not seeing her every day or months at a time kills me. She is the person that says the things I don't want to hear even when I say not right now...or hides the truth from me when she doesn't want to see me hurt anymore she keeps it to herself and just tells me....Ashley just trust me because I love you and you know I don't want to see you hurt anymore. She helps me get into trouble and then she helps get me out of it except that one night. I am going to miss her so much that it drives me insane. My family, wow for never being close at all it sucks that we are now. My sister and I ...getting along it's not common at all, but it has been for the past year. I love spending time with her and watching our favorite TV shows. Kailee that little girl grew on me more and more by the day. I remember she didn't want to be around me now she wont let go of me. Miya the new niece...my goodness I'll be missing out on a lot with her. My mom and dad...poor mom she has got to put up with dad all by herself now. =]
This is the reason I don't sleep at night. I have jury duty in the morning. It's 3AM and I'm still awake...wanna know why? My mom isn't home yet...wonder who I get that from. :)
-Ashley
No comments:
Post a Comment