I'm moving on.

It's a new year. Time for some changes again. These changes are going to be the hardest ones yet. They are changes that I never thought I would be capable of doing. It's time to let go...of people. I have constantly let other people in some manipulative way, control my life; although very discrete and not noticeable, it is done alllll the time. I know I have to take responsibility for my own actions, but I am easily swayed through advice given to me, or the reactions people have to my decisions. It's 2008 and I have gotta go my own way. I can't keep holding onto dead friendships. I can't keep pretending that the life had the last four years is the one I am going to have forever. It's done. It's that new chapter they kept telling us about since we were Freshmen in high school. It's my new chapter, and there are just some people that don't belong. I have never been able to let go of people, in fact, I am not quite sure I can do it this time, but these people are doing nothing but hurting me constantly. Why? Because I allow them to hurt me, and I need to learn not to, and the only way to do that is to separate from them. I never thought this day would come, but I can just tell when things are not the same anymore. I can count on one hand the amount of people from my last four years that I will not be letting go of. They are the ones that I get constant reassurance they will always be there. I'm in college now, and I am meeting some amazing people that are going to be my new foundation for strength. I'm not going to lie, I am scared of the consequences this will have when I come "home" (I guess I am supposed to call it that still idk) for breaks, who will I hang out with, and then I realize, there are still those 5 awesome people in my life, and they never fail me. Letting go, I don't know how to do this, but I am going to learn to do it. I can't stand the stress it causes in my life thinking about the people who I was once very close with and now don't speak to. It is time for me to realize that, I need to stop paying attention to how I feel and fighting for what someone else does not deserve. I need to remember what I deserve, and I deserve effort.

There is one person that I probably will not be able to let go of so easily, maybe it is because I don't have closure with him, maybe it is because I don't have the truth. It sucks that I can't ever talk about this with anyone because they don't get it. They think it is weird that I am not over someone that I only dated for 9 months. That isn't the reason it still bothers me till this day. It has nothing and everything to do with the relationship, he was part of my four years in high school in every aspect of it. I saw him every day for four years, we were great friends, we had a great relationship for a while, and now, there is nothing. Absolutely nothing. I can't let go because he was the ONE person I could go to for about anything. I think now is the time though, to just accept the fact that the friendship will never happen again, it's time to accept that he has moved on, and it is time that I do to. If at some point later down the road we cross paths again, maybe we can have that friendship we both once enjoyed, but for now we are in college, he has gone his way, and I have gone mine. It's hard knowing he is only 15 minutes away though.

Here we goooo.

Ten Things You Want to Say To Ten Different People:

1. Thank you for being so understanding all the time. You keep going almost every day even if we are not talking all the time. Knowing you will always be there gives me comfort to continue when things get hard. The distance kills me. The memories with you are endless though and that is something I will always cherish, have to look back on. We still have many memories to make together, cuz like you said you aren't going anywhere and neither am I. We're both stuck with each other.

2. I'll never understand why you did what you did. I'll never understand what truly happened. I will never understand anything that happened to be quite honest. I will never know the truth. I want to know the truth, I want you to just tell me the truth. The truth, would set me free, I just want you to set me free. I should be fine, but I am not. I don't know why I am not till this day. Lie. I know why. I lost something very important. No I lost you, forever. It breaks me every day. It really does.

3. Don't ever under estimate me about you. What you said the other night was exactly what I felt, something I never wanted to say, but when you said it, I felt so much better. You knew it. I knew it. Karma. You are in the position I was in last year. I never thought you would have said it, but for once I was right. For once, you understood me. For once, we understood each other. Seriously, I love you, you have changed my life in so many ways, thank you for everything, and just remember, I'll always be here. Just remember, I love you forever.

4. Things are not the same. They never will be. You and I both want them to be but they never will be. I can't pretend that we are fixing things when we are not. You are different. You are the different that you were two years ago and I can't stand it. I can't stand the way you are around those people, but it is your life now. I don't fit in. You will call me when you need me though, and I will answer. It is the same cycle. The cycle or sitting and waiting. I can never be your best friend. I don't hate you. I miss you. I love you. I wish things were the same, but they aren't and never will be sadly. Here's to 2008.

5. Sometimes I wonder how I would have gotten through my first semester of senior year without you. I miss you so much. I wish I could just talk to you every day like before. I wish I had a reason to wake up in the morning get to school early just to go talk to you. Sitting next to you on the bench was the best part of it all. You pretty much let me talk crap to you to distract you. You were my strength when every one else walked out on me. I hate that you are far away from me, but always when I am about to give up, you call. Or email :)

6. Thank you for the last year of friendship. It has officially been a year since we started hanging out. You are an awesome person I never pictured becoming so close to. In fact, I still don't really know how that happened. I miss you every day when we are at school, knowing that we have to wait until break to see each other, but oh well. It's weird to see us together and how things are like we just saw each other a few days ago, it is really weird, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you :)

7. You were like the little Steph that never left. You kept me going too. You made me not give up on her. It was like she told you to look after me or something. I really don't know how it is we got close, but good thing we did. You would be lost without me and I would be lost without you. Sorry that I can be pushy sometimes, I just know you know what you want, and you are letting the wrong things keep you back. Just know, that any decision you make, I will support.

8. Our frienship is weird, I am not going to lie. It is really weird. I mean, it's been good all four years. It's awesome all the time. We can do absolutely nothing but eat Little Ceasar's and watch Clerks II and have fun. Maybe a game of would you rather. It is always fun with you. I love it. You love it. I miss it all the time knowing that it will be months before we get to experience it again. Well, at least we always have something to look forward to though!

9. Sisters, I swear. You are my freaking other half, we never effing talk. Like ever. But still we continue on like sisters. We fight, both physically and verbally. You always win, though I am older. WE are there for each other NO MATTER the situation, and really, we have gotten through some interesting situations together, at all times of the day and nights. I always know when something is wrong, and you do to. We are like clock work. It's crazy and that's why you are my 5150.

10. You deserve nothing but an apology. I tried to make it seem like you did something wrong, and you never did. It was never you. I am sorry for the amazing friendship that ended. I am sorry that we went our different ways. It sucked to watch you go back to the same person over and over, but I am glad she is gone now. I am glad that things are looking up for us. I am so thankful we know what second chances are. I hope to one day get the truth from you too.

Nine Things About Yourself:
1. I like to shop alone.
2. I like peanut butter on my pancakes
3. I am scared of the dark.
4. I write songs but keep them to myself.
5. I don't let go without a fight.
6. I have had my heart broken once.
7. I don't like the ocean
8. I have a lot to live up to because of the standards people set for me.
9. I hate being alone.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. Make me laugh
2. Bring me flowers and teddy bears
3. Just talk on the phone with me
4. Watch the stars with me
5. Laugh at me
6. Make fun of me
7. Let me dress you
8. Surprise me.

Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A Lot:
1. Future
2. School
3. Friends.
4. Family.
5. Someone.
6. What If?
7. Transferring

Six Things You Want To Change About Your Life:

1. finding MY direction
2. my appearance
3. raise my confidence
4. be proud of myself
5. constantly being positive
6. learn to trust again

Five Turn Offs:
1. Arrogance
2. Laziness
3. No aspirations
4. No Fashion
5. Lack of confidence

Four Turn Ons:
1. Confidence
2. Smile
3. A future
4. Personality

Three Smileys That Describe Your Life:
1. =/
2. ;-)
3. :-D

Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:
1. Be Happy
2. Understand my reason for existence

One Confession:
1. I am insecure.