See you later...

I am the friend that cares too much.
I am the friend that will try to make it work.
I am the friend that will check up on you.
I am the friend that says I will be here when you need me and mean it.
I am the friend that doesn't give up on people after they make mistakes.
I am the friend that understands.
I am the friend that listens.
I am the friend that gives advice when asked for it.
I am the friend that bends over backwards.
I am the friend that will be your safety net when the other ones break.
I am the friend that tries to please everyone.
I am the friend that sacrifices my happiness for others happiness.
I am the friend that no one understands.


I'm the one who says "See you later" and not "Good bye."

and...

I'm the one that get hurts in the end because....
[repeat list]

-Ashley

Sleepless Nights.

I CAN'T FREAKIN SLEEP!

Man, graduation just seemed like it was yesterday. Now...I am leaving this place I have called home for 6 years. Here we go again, moving. You know, I was finally warming up to living here and I gotta leave all over again. Now if you think about this logically, you begin making those life long friends at the age of six...ok so I moved when I was twelve. There goes those friends. Then I made some friends again and another six years later we are all off going our separate ways. This is definitely not how I had it planned...but hey that's just part of life not going according to how we wanted it to. I can't sleep lately because there are so many emotions running through me that I can't fall asleep without thinking or freaking out...eventually I'll cry. I have got five days left. With not enough time in the day they will be gone before my very eyes. I have so much to do still and want to spend time with some people very close to me but that just seems like things will be harder. I was always dying to get away from here but at the same time I wanted to bring this place with me. It's like, if we lived wherever I got accepted to a college I would live in the dorm and be happy in college because everything I wanted would still be in the same spot, but guess what...that's not how it goes down. I guess eventually we all gotta leave our safe haven it's whether or not we are ready. A lot of people think that I am ready and that I am very independent...but let me tell you something they are SOOOO wrong. I can be independent when I want to or absolutely have to....and now that time has come. I have to be independent and I have kinda taken those steps this summer to doing that but I got a ways to go. I am ready to have this liberty of being 18 and doing what I want, but I am also scared of it. I am scared of doing things I shouldn't and doing things I'll regret. Yea I am sure my parents will be calling every day all day for the first couple of months but it would be like my mom waiting up for me to get home even if it was three in the morning but that's going to be gone. I will walk into my suite and no one will be sitting on the couch with the TV left on waiting for me. I won't have to wake someone and say "I'm home, I'm going to bed now." As much as I absolutely hated being checked up on and always having to call every time I left somewhere and got somewhere, I'm going to miss it. Not it necessarily but the thought of knowing that my parents are worried [in a good way]/ care about me. I am sure they still will but it's going to be different they have to believe that I am ok and don't need to hear that I am ok every minute of every day. I am going to miss that a lot.

I am excited for the new adventure ahead. College. Something no one in my family did right after high school. I mean yea my dad obviously went to college but not till he was like thirty. My sister never finished but she went to a CC in SD and after high school she went to culinary school then a CC but then she had my adorable niece and never finished. It's funny catching my dad always on the cal lutheran website it actually drives me insane. It's my life now and though he does pay for it...he doesn't need to know what I will be doing 24/7. But hey, that's my dad. It's just him being excited to see his daughter [HIS one and only princesa] off to college. They are proud of me and that's something I should accept instead of it driving me crazy. I mean people at work in the Coffee Bean were saying "Oh you are Ashley!" and I am like uhh yea...and they said yea your mom was in here talking about how you are going off to college and what not...and I just smiled and laughed. My mom tells everyone. I like that. I mean as much as I feel I failed myself, I didn't fail my parents. Their only expectation out of me was to go to a college. What college didn't matter it only mattered to me. This move we made was for my dad and a job but honestly, it was also for me. They knew for me to be successful after high school I needed to be in a city with better education and that was anywhere but Imperial. They think I don't appreciate everything but I really do. I just have a hard time expressing that.

I am ready for it all except, the friends and family part. I have my friends that I care about deeply but there is one in particular that when I think about it...I just feel like crying. My best friend I spent every waking day at school with her this year and in the previous ones. She is the only friend I stuck through thick and thin with since freshmen year. At times we wanted to strangle each other and then there are the memories I will never forget. Her mom and dad were my mom and dad. Her little sister was my little sister and her house was my house. Her mint n chip ice cream was OUR mint n chip ice cream. Volleyball was what we had in common and experiencing life is all that we ever did. I can't stand the thought of her being so far away from me. The thought of not seeing her every day or months at a time kills me. She is the person that says the things I don't want to hear even when I say not right now...or hides the truth from me when she doesn't want to see me hurt anymore she keeps it to herself and just tells me....Ashley just trust me because I love you and you know I don't want to see you hurt anymore. She helps me get into trouble and then she helps get me out of it except that one night. I am going to miss her so much that it drives me insane. My family, wow for never being close at all it sucks that we are now. My sister and I ...getting along it's not common at all, but it has been for the past year. I love spending time with her and watching our favorite TV shows. Kailee that little girl grew on me more and more by the day. I remember she didn't want to be around me now she wont let go of me. Miya the new niece...my goodness I'll be missing out on a lot with her. My mom and dad...poor mom she has got to put up with dad all by herself now. =]

This is the reason I don't sleep at night. I have jury duty in the morning. It's 3AM and I'm still awake...wanna know why? My mom isn't home yet...wonder who I get that from. :)

-Ashley

Is it worth the risk?

November 22, 2005 - Mistake?
August 12, 2006 - So much for my happy ending
Senior Year following October 14th, 2006 - realization of November 22, 2005 being a MAJOR mistake....


or was it?

THE PAST
So, let's go back through the high school years [I can say that now...haha]. There was this boy that caught my eye and was in 3 of my classes freshmen year. Not only did I see him at school but I saw him outside of school at my dad's work. Well I liked him as a friend at first. He made me laugh. He listened. He was just one of those guys you get along with easily. The year goes on and I like him as more than a friend. He dates my friend for 9 months and neither of them ever knew how I felt. pretty torturous. Well about 5 months into it, my friend confronts me about it in PE one day well more like our friend shouting across the pool while I was walking, "YOU LIKE DARREN DON'T YOU ASHLEY?!!?" ....oh boy. So yea, well they broke up and we were still good friends and that's where it all started. Sophomore year, Mrs. Hoff's English II HP class in P-11. We sat next to each other always talked I gave him rides home even though I wasn't supposed to be driving people and we became closer. Still always the friend I wanted him to be. He was always there for anything. I mean the boy just liked to talk to me and I liked to talk to him. Even though bringing the cop stuff up always got on my nerves, but I sat there like any other crushing girl listening as if I wanted to listen to him so willingly. So the summer rolls around, we go to the movies a few times and everyone sees it. The friendship is no longer a friendship it's something more. Something more that I knew, was coming at the wrong time, but still I went for it and so did he...we both did it so reluctantly. Well Junior year came and with it being out in the open that we were "talking", here came the part that would be hard. Junior year begins the start of the hectic life of an IB Diploma student, which he was. I was caught up in ASB stuff 24/7 from September to October and school that I could only imagine what it was like for him. Well he did everything I wanted him to. I even tried not to ask for his help but for some reason God wanted it that way. I locked my keys in my truck on a Saturday morning at the school when we were building the float and I called EVERY single number in my phone and NO ONE answered [my parents were out of town]. So, I finally called his, and of course he answered. I woke him up and explained my situation [I tried to let him go first] and he said give me fifteen minutes and I'll be there. Let's just say that was embarrassing so then he was called my Prince Charming saving me...lol. Well we went and saw the midnight premiere of harry potter with our friends and of course he called and offered to pick me up...the boy went and asked my dad at work if it was ok he took me for crying out loud...TALK ABOUT EFFORT. sooo lets just say out of all the times we had together there wer about 15 times he could have asked me out and about 8 that he could have asked me to homecoming, but my oh my he just would not do it. So it came down to me asking him [lame] but let's just say I was yelled at in Red Robin that if I didn't do it they didn't want to here me complain when someone else asked him. So we go to Homecoming together and it was fun, and he was more than I could ask for that night. Well I liked him, he was my best guy friend that I had crushed on and off through out high school, and November 22,2005 he asked me to be his girl friend. Now I knew he was going to ask because some blond friend of mine decided to email me the conversation. So that whole two weeks I was thinking...do you really want to do this? I am putting friendship at risk...is it worth it?

THE PRESENT.
After we broke up on August 12, 2006 which took about ohhh 2 and a half hours to do. We still had the rest of summer and everything seemed like we were still going to be best friends we promised each other....oh but of course things don't always go according to plan now do they? NOPE. School starts and it's nothing but drama once everyone finds out. So it starts with rumors. Then comes homecoming and then comes the Nikko problems...it just get worse through out the year, nikko being like my best friend through all of junior year goes on a date with him. He starts talking badly about me so I start back. It just goes down hill to where we are not speaking and pretty much have a strong dislike for each other. As of this summer [2007] we are finally talking and trying to get back to hanging out like normal, but it is never going to be the same.

WAS IT WORTH IT?

I lost something that I looked forward to. I think I would have been perfectly fine with crushing on him till this day when I went off to college and he no longer mattered. I looked forward to just talking with him, listening to him, making fun of him, seeing him at things with the cops, and just being his friend. I lost all of that because I took a risk. I had the chance I wanted and I took it. I took it and never thought about the consequences after I said. OF COURSE! I don't have that really good guy friend anymore because of how much we went through this year. We lost trust in each other. You can't have a friendship without trust. Our AIM conversations are three minutes compared to the hours they were before. It drives me insane. I took a risk and I'm glad I did because how else would I have ever known. I took a risk that put me in a bad position later on. I took a risk because it was time for it. So was losing him completely worth that risk? At times I think ABSOLUTELY. and at other times I think...WHY DID I DO THAT?!? but you know what. I wouldn't take those nine months back for anything. They were hell at some times but when they were good...they were AMAZING. Had they always been great then I wouldn't feel so badly about all this but they were always that great. But I realized something, our break up was him being the good person that I loved. He was busy. He wished he had more time in the day to spend it with me. "You deserve to be with someone who can be there for you, more than I can". Takes a lot for people to admit that don't you think? In due time if God wants it that way, our friendship will come back. It will be easier now without the high school drama. When that day comes. I'll let ya know. Happily :)
-Branches [just cuz it's our thing]

lots of stuff...

is coming soon.
there have been about...ohhh 3-5 blog topics: love, insecurities, change, realizations, friends, the past, and work; that have been running through my head the past two months, just been busy with work and babysitting and then sleeping lol. btw i saw a shirt today at work and took a picture for Elysia to see because it reminded me of her...

it read.


I'm not lazy, I just like to hang out, A LOT.

:)

So Elysia - I am not lazy, I just like to hang out, A LOT ....in my bed. :)