It's Coming!

June 14th, 2007

That day is well on its way ever too quickly. I remember when I couldn't wait to get out of this hell of a high school, where drama surrounded me even if I was not involved. Where friends that I had been friends with since freshmen year had become meaningless shit talkers and I no longer cared for. This year started out terrible. I knew there was something wrong when Lauren couldn't stand to be around me. That is how I know I have changed since then. I was not happy at the beginning of the year. Yea sure I had a reason, my heart had been broken, and was continued to be broken through the year. Lauren didn't understand that, and she never will because her and I are two different people with two different personalities, but we completely mesh together well. It was MY senior year, and it was not going as I had planned it. Something I believed that was supposed to be so perfect, was not. September was like I was living in hell and there was no one around to save me. October, a continued hell, with not knowing who I could trust and who the hell was still my friend. Homecoming, I wish I could have another one, because that was by far the worst one. As for November 22, 2006, that was the day I would never forget. It was the day that Darren took Nikko on a date, the same date, that he asked me to be his girlfriend, could the year get any shittier? I believe it did. Darren came to a point of hatred towards me for what reason I have no clue. I didn't talk to him, and I didn't even say anything to him about the situation. I just let it be. December was when everything started to fall in its place. I had my friends back. Well the ones that mattered at least, and I became close to my outside of high school friends because I realized drama doesn't exist there. If I only had the four girls in my life that I talk to all the time now, I would be perfectly happy. The people that have NEVER screwed me over, are the ones that matter to me, and the ones I am going to miss. They are the reason, I am so scared of what is coming in just six short weeks. Six weeks and my daily routine since 2003, is done. It is the scariest thing of my life. I remember when the Big One, said to me that by softball season, everything was going to fly by me and I wasn't going to realize it till it was time. Wow, she was sooo right. I have six weeks left, at least 3 of them are still dedicated to softball. Prom is this weekend, and it is all just going faster than lightning. As soon as these IB Exams are done, school is DONE for IB kids at least. I guess it's all just finally hitting me, finally sinking in. I am on my way to being on my own, not completely because I will more than likely still be here in California, but not seeing my family every day, or my friends. It is all just scaring me. It's like now that it's here, there are so many things I wish I could change, but I guess there is a reason God wanted my senior year this way. I always imagined my senior year perfect, but it was far from that. I cried more this year than I have in my lifetime, and that's a whole lot. It was a year of emotions and cruel intentions from people I thought were my friends. It's made me realize who are the most important in my life and the ones that I can truly call "friends". That term has been used so much for all types of people but now I am learning who I can call my friends, and who I can call my true and best friends. I have friends, I have WAY too many friends, but when it comes to true/best friends, I have four: Gen, Lauren, Elysia, Jessica. 2 in high school, and 2 out of high school. I like it that way, it works. I wouldn't have it any other way. I've learned a lot this year about who you can trust and who you can't trust, it's been one hell of an experience that's for sure. I am sure it won't be over once I get to college either though, but hey what can do you about it? It's a learning process. This year has been the ultimate learning process, I still can't take it all in. There are a few things that I clearly can say I understand now so much better

**********************************************************************************

1. Take things for what they are. Stop asking your self why, or how come, and stop over analyzing [even though you like to]. Dont question the outcome just accept it. Dont try and fix what you can't, just accept it. It will all be ok in the end.

2. As of today, your ex-bf is not someone you will try to have a friendship with anymore. It's done. He is a jerk, and always has been. Today just ultimately proves to you how fake he is and how he tries to impress everyone. Let's face it. He is going down hill while you are going up, just by the time he realizes it, you will be too busy laughing.

3. Life is what you make of it. If it's shitty make it better. You have control of your life don't let other people have control of it. I hold control of MY happiness [Ty Big One]. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says because in the end I have to do what I want to make myself happy or better yet said number 4 that I learned came from what someone once wrote to me in a card for my 18th birthday :)

4.Always follow YOUR heart and YOUR dreams, because in the end, it's YOUR happiness that matters most. ---my life, my dreams, my happiness, no one can create my life except me I am the only one capable of making what I want to happen, happen.

5. Friends, they come and go. What you do with your life can't be surrounded by them, if you are willing to take the risk and doing that, don't regret it in the end. You know you won't just remember that it is your choice, and you need to....[read #4]

6. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. [Big]

7. You have the capability of being whatever you want to be, what school you didn't get into is not a judgement of you as a human being and what you are capable of doing. No one years from now will remember who got accepted where and who went to school where. Another thing, that white gown you wanted, who is going to remember. Besides it isnt that significant when there are 60 other people wearing it. Besides burgundy works better with your skin tone :)

8. Finally, just enjoy, you never know where the road might lead in the end, where your friends may go or where you may go, cherish the moments forget the losers and their drama and move on to new and better things. Just remember to do someone a favor and "clasp your teeth..." :)