Update!

I wish I was better at this like I used to be, it helps me alleviate some of the problems/situations/happenings in my life. Well, it's really late, and I am sitll up because I didn't wake up until almost 5, I was really tired. I kinda figured that I would be catching up on sleep while I am home because I didn't get much at school as usual. I need all the rest I can get before I head off to DC, because I will never sleep there. So let's see where to update here. Well in terms of the boy, it never got anywhere other than one of the best friendships and supporter I can ask for. He is just simply amazing, I haven't felt this way about a boy since Darren, and that scares me, especially since this one is going in the same direction as in ...not going. I am leaving to DC, we both never said how we felt about each other, and when I get back he will be attending USC because he is transferring. It's a really hard situation because I just want the truth, and I want to say the truth. everyone else knows it and I felt it when we hugged and said goodbye. For once, I was able to picture myself dating this guy, which I haven't been able to do with any of the guys I have talked to since Darren. Well, I will probably just tell him before I go to DC, and just let it out as a relaxation for me. Kyle pretty much has been leading me through this, love that guy, best H2Hs ever (heart to heart), funny thing is, he is worse than me when it comes to saying things. Haha. Man I am going to miss him. BTW Kyle's brother is the quarter back for CU...just thought I'd share that..yea Tyler Hansen ...I know his BROTHER OHHHH SNAP! haha. Anyway, so yea the boy, well I won't say his name because he might find this page one day by accident, then that would be creepy. haha. Anyway so aside from that, I just found out that I got a C+ in chemistry...FUCK YA! Foo Man Bitch definitely bumped me up from a C because I think I may have actually done somewhat okay on the final to have gotten a C+ with his bump haha. Guess 20 hours of studying paid off somehow. especially since 5 of them were with the boy :). Let's see, I still don't have an internship yet for DC, but it will work itself out, but what I do have are...TWO TICKETS TO THE INAUGURATION!!! yeaaa bitches! that's right, me and a friend hittin the seats at the inauguration...I know I'm cool. DC is going to be awesome!

As far as Vector goes, man things got complicated. Haven't talked to Ro in a couple of weeks, since our last conversation kinda went badly though it wasn't supposed to, IDK how it happened but yea...she got promoted to DOM though for Pasadena! Yeaa! I knew she was going to I am so excited for her, she definitely deserves it and she is going to DOMinate fasho. So I want to Branch in the summer of 2010, and being gone for Semester at Sea is going to be an issue so I had to considered choosing between the two but I had a PC with Lauren on Friday before I went home in pasadena and talked to her about it, and I guess I can do both but this summer is going to be ten times more important than it was already going to be. Here is the situation, if branching is what I want to do in 2010, then Lauren said I'd probably be better off being an AM in the Pasadena office watching Ro run the office and what not, not that she doesn't want me to be her AM either though. So I guess this is something that Lauren is going to talk to JP and Ro about and if it's cool with them I guess that's what I will be doing...I'm not really sure. I don't know if this is actually going to happen but if it does then cool. I really don't mind moving to another office just because I already know how to work with Ro, but I will be around a lot of big dogs so it will be interesting, and she will be a completely different person because is DOM. I guess the hard part would be starting out where I really don't know anyone, and finding somewhere to live, because that would have all been taken care of in Ventura. Oh well, I don't know if it's for sure going to happen so we will jsut have to wait and see...

I guess I should head off now, I got lots to do tomorrow, including find a charger and getting some guitar stuff...since I never left the house today haha.
Lata playa,
A-Ram

The Tenative 7 Year Plan

Spring 2009
January - April: Washington, D.C 12 Week Semester
April - August: CuTcO KrAzY! Summer Goal - 35K
4.0

Fall 2009
August 28th - December 10th: Semester at Sea
Traveling around the world
3.7

Spring 2010:
16 credits
ASCLUG
Slangin Knives - AM
4.0

Summer 2010
Branch

Fall 2010
Senior Year!!!
ASCLUG Programs Board Director
Slangin Knives - AM
3.7

Spring 2010
Last semester at CLU
Finish Summa Cum Laude

Summer 2010
2nd Year Branch!


Law School
for three years some how

and i think im taking a break before or after...idk really.
sell some cutco while i do all that i think....if i have time. ok thas it..sleep time

Krazy

Life has been just ...KRAZY. Just trying to get by at this place I call home. Working extra hard trying to pick up my grades. Ro pretty much saved me Sunday night, I was dying and didn't want to die. She hates yelling at me cuz I am like a sister but I needed her to yell at me, and it worked just well. I am getting better at doing school when I am at school and doing work when I am work. Yesterday I didn't think about work until I got to the office. I got to the office did phone time for about 40 minutes and set up 3 appointments. Came back to school and visited with friends for abit and then stayed up reading for chemistry. Now today I did school and then I have an appointment at 3:30 then Young Life at 5 and another appointment at 7, then I will do some more studying. I'm really excited about life right now, just getting my shit together and woo D.C App is ready to go I can't wait. I am sad about leaving work cuz I think I am going to mess up and opportunity but this is a once in a life time opportunity to get to go to D.C and experience the inauguration and intern somewhere in the Department of Justice or Attorney General's office. AHHH. Okay...well I am off to get ready for work and what not. Consistency is what I am working on this week. Lata playa!

Wow, It's Been a While!

So I guess life got really busy after April, which it did so much happened to me since then. School finished off very well. I got a 3.6 GPA to finish off my freshmen year of college, it was exciting, was hoping to do better than that but it's all good. I went home instead of staying for the summer, and it's a good thing I did. My life has changed dramatically since I last wrote here. I went home, and I got this awesome job with Vector...holy shit dude, talk about the opportunity of life time. The great part is, my manager that I was a complete bitch when she interviewed me, and now she is probably one of the most influential people of my life. I worked my butt of this summer, but I know I could have worked a little bit harder, I mean I did well for not putting everything I had into it. I spent my entire summer really just working so I could do Semester at Sea in the Spring but yea, I'm waiting till the fall now. So, I went to Minnesota during the summer it was my only real vacation roadtripping through MN with my buddies from school. I lost some respect from a lot of my friends because I was always working or I was "obsessed" with my job, but they don't get it and I don't expect them to. This summer was the experience of a lifetime and it's still going, lots of shit went down, and Ro is probably one of the strongest people I know to put up with that much shit. Not gonna lie, the people I was introduced to towards the end of the summer are pretty legit and I am glad I get to see them every once in a while. I learned a lot about myself this summer, I learned that when people say I am a hard worker, I really am. I don't give up easily, cuz if I did, I wouldn't be doing it still, nor would I be an AM. I'm learning how to deal with change, again cuz I had to switch offices and it's hella different, but I'm learning so much more than just Political Science and Criminal Justice from school, I'm learning Vector and that shit is awesome. The start out here was pretty rough to begin with, my friends gave me a hard time about work, the transition back to school was weird, I felt really outta place. I am studying abroad next semester in DC hopefully with a pretty legit internship and it's probably the greatest time to get to go if you ask me! I'm really confused on my potential with Vector and I was letting it hold me back from going but fact of the matter is, I'm probably not branching this summer so it doesn't matter. I'll only be gone for 12 weeks and when I get back I can still be an AM and have a kick ass summer, which is the plan. Well, it's late and I gotta get some sleep I got a lab date with my lab partner tomorrow...OMG....the boy is amazing. :) So excited

Friends

Some say it doesn't ever really exist. They say it's impossible for someone to be completely and utterly happy. That something will always make you sad, angry, hurt, jealous or anything else that well just isn't happy. For the longest time here at CLU I haven't been what is considered "happy". I appeared to love this school whole heartedly, but deep down inside I was missing something. So many people claim all the time that I have so many friends and I know a lot of people here at school, yea that's great and all, but it really is quality not quantity. I have been through several groups of friends here at school in terms of hanging out, and well I didn't leave them I just continued on my path to finding what my hear felt right. I am still friends with those that I used to hang out with all the time, I even miss hanging out with them time to time but it is you guys that have made me feel complete. I have been trying to get this out all week but just couldn't figure it out. Now, well I just think it is time, despite my stress this week with elections, you guys are there for me calming me down or just giving me a hug and that is all that I can ask for in a friend. You guys give off the greatest energy ever. I can be a very negative person at times, but around you guys I find that it is quite impossible to have a negative urge. This week I just realized so much...

Molly - You are an amazing person with some great thoughts in your head and having a conversation with you is something I look forward to every day, thank you for letting me be in you life. You are more than welcome to be in my life for as long as you want, and I hope that is like forever!

Kate - I don't think there is a single thing you have ever said to me that didn't put a smile on my face. Thank you for being there for me when I needed to calm down and thank you for telling me I make a difference in your life even if it is only when on the tennis court (you don't know how much it means to hear stuff like that)

Jo - Basically you are my own little source of motivation to get things done, I dont know how you do it sometimes but you just spark up motivation in me at any time when I am around you, thank you my Minnesotan friend.

Emily - me gusta ir al gimnasio para nuestras citas, so lately we have had some great talks, and I really enjoy them. Thank you for constantly looking out for me and reading me even when I am hiding it, you are one of those people that will constantly make a difference in someone's life, and for that I am thankful to know you.

Katie Bode - I can be as crazy as I want with you at any time or have a one on one little session just to talk about anything, it can be a deep conversation or a ridiculous one, but I wouldn't have it any other way. You most certainly know how to put a smile on my face allllll the time! Sometimes I wonder where my life would be like if it wasn't for me getting to know you better through studying for Johnson's religion class.

Katie Colorado - you leave me speechless, I mean, what can I say about someone that openly tells me one day "Ashley I really like you", funny thing about the day you told me that, you couldn't have picked a more perfect week to say that, I mean, ultimately it boosted my self esteem waaaay up. It is because of that comment I have felt so much more secure around everyone in general. Thank you soo soo much Katie, I don't know how that big heart of yours fits inside of you, it must weigh a ton!

Tricia - BASICALLY, you are amazing, you keep me on my toes when it comes to spanish, i was planning on writing this in spanish but its 1:30 in the morning, not gonna happen. haha. Anyway, you and I have some great conversations here and there, and I love listening to you about Nicaragua and how cultured you are. There need to be more Tricia's in this world, because you inspire people to try new things because of hour adventurous you are yourself. :)

Megan - Dearest future roomie, thanks for just listening, and then talking and studying with me. I am glad that you and I have the same interests because then I can actually have an intellectual conversation with someone about Political Science and Crim stuff and the Constitution and they will understand me. It is comforting to know at least one person in this world knows I know something!! You just complete me :)

It's Too Late To Apologize...

I learned that tonight, didn't think it was true, but yes, sometimes it just is too late to apologize. I wish I could be her little again, I wish I could change everything I did wrong. I wish I could just learn to appreciate her more. She deserves so much more than I have given her lately. She gave me everything, and I have given her nothing. But as I learned from her blogs, the past is the past, I have to accept it. I don't get it though lately, I have had my friends tell me the nicest things about me and how they are glad that they met me or that I am in their life. It's heart-warming, but I am not the compliment taker, which my friends from home know, and I think my friends at school are slowly catching on, after I piss them off a few times of course. If I am such an amazing friend how could I have screwed up the one constant friend in my life, the one that made a difference in my life? How? Why? Is it because I was so caught up in my new life? Maybe? Or is it because I just really was over the valley? There is no reason for this, just pure stupidity on my part. I was able to make her miserable enough to let go of me. Why on earth would anyone want to be friends with me if I am just going to do that to them. I think I am used to getting hurt myself though. Trust is a serious issue these days thanks to ex-friends from high school. They really screwed me up but I am slowly coming back. As Kara was staying here during spring break it was the greatest feeling in the world to hear her say that I am "one of those people that will do anything for someone" and for once, I agreed with a compliment. I do, it usually kicks me in the ass later but I do it still. I am determined to prove to Elysia that I am still the friend that she expects out of me. I let her lose faith in me no matter how much she tries to deny it. I lost faith in myself, which is a very bad thing to let happen. She means the world to me, and she doesn't even know it. Sometimes I just think she is better off without me, because I can be someone holding her back from the amazing things she was meant to do here on earth while she lives. I am so proud to call her my big, my mentor, the one that I hope to be like. Tonight, I said sorry, but it was too late to apologize, and all I have left to say is, yes I have changed, I am not needy anymore, but you are still the one constant in my life. Thank you for everything you have done for me, I couldn't have asked for a more amazing friend.

I'm moving on.

It's a new year. Time for some changes again. These changes are going to be the hardest ones yet. They are changes that I never thought I would be capable of doing. It's time to let go...of people. I have constantly let other people in some manipulative way, control my life; although very discrete and not noticeable, it is done alllll the time. I know I have to take responsibility for my own actions, but I am easily swayed through advice given to me, or the reactions people have to my decisions. It's 2008 and I have gotta go my own way. I can't keep holding onto dead friendships. I can't keep pretending that the life had the last four years is the one I am going to have forever. It's done. It's that new chapter they kept telling us about since we were Freshmen in high school. It's my new chapter, and there are just some people that don't belong. I have never been able to let go of people, in fact, I am not quite sure I can do it this time, but these people are doing nothing but hurting me constantly. Why? Because I allow them to hurt me, and I need to learn not to, and the only way to do that is to separate from them. I never thought this day would come, but I can just tell when things are not the same anymore. I can count on one hand the amount of people from my last four years that I will not be letting go of. They are the ones that I get constant reassurance they will always be there. I'm in college now, and I am meeting some amazing people that are going to be my new foundation for strength. I'm not going to lie, I am scared of the consequences this will have when I come "home" (I guess I am supposed to call it that still idk) for breaks, who will I hang out with, and then I realize, there are still those 5 awesome people in my life, and they never fail me. Letting go, I don't know how to do this, but I am going to learn to do it. I can't stand the stress it causes in my life thinking about the people who I was once very close with and now don't speak to. It is time for me to realize that, I need to stop paying attention to how I feel and fighting for what someone else does not deserve. I need to remember what I deserve, and I deserve effort.

There is one person that I probably will not be able to let go of so easily, maybe it is because I don't have closure with him, maybe it is because I don't have the truth. It sucks that I can't ever talk about this with anyone because they don't get it. They think it is weird that I am not over someone that I only dated for 9 months. That isn't the reason it still bothers me till this day. It has nothing and everything to do with the relationship, he was part of my four years in high school in every aspect of it. I saw him every day for four years, we were great friends, we had a great relationship for a while, and now, there is nothing. Absolutely nothing. I can't let go because he was the ONE person I could go to for about anything. I think now is the time though, to just accept the fact that the friendship will never happen again, it's time to accept that he has moved on, and it is time that I do to. If at some point later down the road we cross paths again, maybe we can have that friendship we both once enjoyed, but for now we are in college, he has gone his way, and I have gone mine. It's hard knowing he is only 15 minutes away though.

Here we goooo.

Ten Things You Want to Say To Ten Different People:

1. Thank you for being so understanding all the time. You keep going almost every day even if we are not talking all the time. Knowing you will always be there gives me comfort to continue when things get hard. The distance kills me. The memories with you are endless though and that is something I will always cherish, have to look back on. We still have many memories to make together, cuz like you said you aren't going anywhere and neither am I. We're both stuck with each other.

2. I'll never understand why you did what you did. I'll never understand what truly happened. I will never understand anything that happened to be quite honest. I will never know the truth. I want to know the truth, I want you to just tell me the truth. The truth, would set me free, I just want you to set me free. I should be fine, but I am not. I don't know why I am not till this day. Lie. I know why. I lost something very important. No I lost you, forever. It breaks me every day. It really does.

3. Don't ever under estimate me about you. What you said the other night was exactly what I felt, something I never wanted to say, but when you said it, I felt so much better. You knew it. I knew it. Karma. You are in the position I was in last year. I never thought you would have said it, but for once I was right. For once, you understood me. For once, we understood each other. Seriously, I love you, you have changed my life in so many ways, thank you for everything, and just remember, I'll always be here. Just remember, I love you forever.

4. Things are not the same. They never will be. You and I both want them to be but they never will be. I can't pretend that we are fixing things when we are not. You are different. You are the different that you were two years ago and I can't stand it. I can't stand the way you are around those people, but it is your life now. I don't fit in. You will call me when you need me though, and I will answer. It is the same cycle. The cycle or sitting and waiting. I can never be your best friend. I don't hate you. I miss you. I love you. I wish things were the same, but they aren't and never will be sadly. Here's to 2008.

5. Sometimes I wonder how I would have gotten through my first semester of senior year without you. I miss you so much. I wish I could just talk to you every day like before. I wish I had a reason to wake up in the morning get to school early just to go talk to you. Sitting next to you on the bench was the best part of it all. You pretty much let me talk crap to you to distract you. You were my strength when every one else walked out on me. I hate that you are far away from me, but always when I am about to give up, you call. Or email :)

6. Thank you for the last year of friendship. It has officially been a year since we started hanging out. You are an awesome person I never pictured becoming so close to. In fact, I still don't really know how that happened. I miss you every day when we are at school, knowing that we have to wait until break to see each other, but oh well. It's weird to see us together and how things are like we just saw each other a few days ago, it is really weird, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you :)

7. You were like the little Steph that never left. You kept me going too. You made me not give up on her. It was like she told you to look after me or something. I really don't know how it is we got close, but good thing we did. You would be lost without me and I would be lost without you. Sorry that I can be pushy sometimes, I just know you know what you want, and you are letting the wrong things keep you back. Just know, that any decision you make, I will support.

8. Our frienship is weird, I am not going to lie. It is really weird. I mean, it's been good all four years. It's awesome all the time. We can do absolutely nothing but eat Little Ceasar's and watch Clerks II and have fun. Maybe a game of would you rather. It is always fun with you. I love it. You love it. I miss it all the time knowing that it will be months before we get to experience it again. Well, at least we always have something to look forward to though!

9. Sisters, I swear. You are my freaking other half, we never effing talk. Like ever. But still we continue on like sisters. We fight, both physically and verbally. You always win, though I am older. WE are there for each other NO MATTER the situation, and really, we have gotten through some interesting situations together, at all times of the day and nights. I always know when something is wrong, and you do to. We are like clock work. It's crazy and that's why you are my 5150.

10. You deserve nothing but an apology. I tried to make it seem like you did something wrong, and you never did. It was never you. I am sorry for the amazing friendship that ended. I am sorry that we went our different ways. It sucked to watch you go back to the same person over and over, but I am glad she is gone now. I am glad that things are looking up for us. I am so thankful we know what second chances are. I hope to one day get the truth from you too.

Nine Things About Yourself:
1. I like to shop alone.
2. I like peanut butter on my pancakes
3. I am scared of the dark.
4. I write songs but keep them to myself.
5. I don't let go without a fight.
6. I have had my heart broken once.
7. I don't like the ocean
8. I have a lot to live up to because of the standards people set for me.
9. I hate being alone.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. Make me laugh
2. Bring me flowers and teddy bears
3. Just talk on the phone with me
4. Watch the stars with me
5. Laugh at me
6. Make fun of me
7. Let me dress you
8. Surprise me.

Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A Lot:
1. Future
2. School
3. Friends.
4. Family.
5. Someone.
6. What If?
7. Transferring

Six Things You Want To Change About Your Life:

1. finding MY direction
2. my appearance
3. raise my confidence
4. be proud of myself
5. constantly being positive
6. learn to trust again

Five Turn Offs:
1. Arrogance
2. Laziness
3. No aspirations
4. No Fashion
5. Lack of confidence

Four Turn Ons:
1. Confidence
2. Smile
3. A future
4. Personality

Three Smileys That Describe Your Life:
1. =/
2. ;-)
3. :-D

Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:
1. Be Happy
2. Understand my reason for existence

One Confession:
1. I am insecure.